I'm sorry I've been away. Things got out of hand. And I forgot all about this.
I'm trying different things. Things that I don't feel confident about, which make them kind of scary.

I'm not stuck. I don't ever have to be anything if I don't want it to be so.
We don't give ourselves enough credit sometimes.

There are good days and there are bad days.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

Al-fucking-right.

I want everything to be alright. I want things to get better. I want real. Truth.

I want to know. Because not knowing seems to be a constant answer to everything these days.

Mostly, I want the people I'm surrounded by to be alright. Because so few of them are right now. And what's the point in being alright if you aint got nobody to be alright with?

I overused the word alright. And now I don't like it. I want to be MORE than just ALRIGHT.
Alright is settling.
EFF.

Sometimes it feels like the heart is no place to be singin' from at all.

"All at once, the world can overwhelm me

There's almost nothing that you could tell me

That would ease my mind.

Which way will you run

When it's always all around you

And the feeling's lost and found you again.

A feeling that we have no control."

-Jack Johnson.

Faults in my foundation.

Figuring everything out is easier said than done. And I've probably made more than enough mistakes for someone my age. But in some weird way, I kind of like that I have made so many. And I'm becoming aware of all my faults. That's just how it goes, I suppose.

I'm sort of passive to the whole mistake-making idea. Regret is sort of a waste of time and energy, ya know?

Like I deserved it.

"Budding at my finger tips,

Touching you I start to bloom."

Contrast.

I just love this crazy, disastrous, topsy-turvy life that I'm leading. I wouldn't trade any of it for anything.

I asked my good friend the other day why there is always some constant struggle that we're all dealing with. Why it seems that no day can pass without us feeling some sort of sadness, anger, remorse, angst, or other negative feelings.

And she responded by saying that if we didn't have all that, then we wouldn't know what happiness would be because we'd have nothing to contrast it to.

She is so wise. And that seems like such a simple statement; I should have known all along.

Morning after. Part 2.

Favorite person to spend morning afters with. Everything is just so goddamn funny.

Morning after.

Nothing beats a morning after with best friends.
Nothing.
Still drunk.
Battered and bruised.
Everything is hilarious.
Going into work.
Taking naps in the office.

BLISS.

This one time, I decided to make a bad decision.

I have a feeling that this weekend is going to be equally as fun as it will be miserable.

Halloween shenanigans + working in a hot, humid, boring pool all day, everyday.

Can't wait.

Fading.

Things fade out so fast.

Something is so exciting, and it gets your blood pumping, and you have all these ideas and plans.

And as time goes on, it slowly fades. And you think about it less and less. And then it's gone.

A week later, something else comes up that gets your adrenaline flowing. And the cycle starts again.

Im sick of saying I'll do something, then never getting around to it. I want something to hold my attention for longer than a week. Longer than a month. Longer than a year. I want to be passionate and thrive off of an idea or a plan.

Then again, I am so against making plans anyways. Maybe the reason why they never work out is because I never follow through in the first place.

Outbreak.

Sometimes I feel stuck right where I am. Stuck in routine.

And because I feel that way, it makes me want to do something rash.

Like move to Berkeley to be with my best friend.

Anyone is lucky to have someone in their life that understands them completely. It's mind boggling to know that I do. And when you have something like that, it sort of makes you wonder why you're away from them so much. What's the point? Because you're happiest when you're both together.

Who needs men when your best friend is your soulmate?

Thunder and lightning and hail, oh my!

Ventura, California welcomed me home with lots of rain and thunder, lightning, and hail storms.

Normally I would be angry, however, thunder and lightning don't come around so often in Portland or in Ventura, so it's kind of been awesome.

I love storms. I love the chaos they bring; knocking things over and flooding streets. People in awe but at the same time fearful. I think it's important that mother nature brings on these storms. To remind everyone that she's not just majestic trees and serene butterflies. She can be a crazy bitch, ya know?

Anyways, as much as I love this weather, it's sort of making me anxious because I can't go run on my favorite run at the beach. I mean, I could, but it would be miserable.

So instead, Im going to lay on my mother's couch and watch movies and drink hot chocolate and wait for someone to call. Not a bad replacement to a run.

Where did the good go?

Everything has changed. But I still feel the same.

I've been thinking. And I feel like everyone has to really get down and depressed about life every once in a while. And I think it's normal and it's healthy.

However, it is not healthy at all to stay in that state for more than a few days.

I feel like so many good things happen to us every single day. And because we're so focused on the bad, the good gets neglected.

And not even good things like winning the lottery or something like that.

But good things like you made every green light on the way to work. Or you witnessed a beautiful sunset. Or someone made cookies and gave you one to try.

It doesn't take a lot for something to be good. But unfortunately, it seems to be taking us more and more effort to notice when something is.

Where is my mind?

All of a sudden, I've attained some sort of clarity.

Something that I was expecting to make me feel hurt and let down, ended up making me feel the exact opposite; relieved and wonderful.

And after all was said and done, I ended up learning a lot about myself. Even though the event was rather insignificant.

I just never know what to expect. From others or from myself. I have no control over my thoughts anymore or the way I perceive things. It just happens. Before I even realize what's going on.

Not a whole lot makes sense these days, but I guess Im ok with that.

I think I'm in the process of searching for something that I lost. I'm not whole right now. But I'm not completely fallen apart either. I'm floating.

Mal-Mal-Malfunct-unct-unctioning-ing-ing.

Spanish overload.

Work overload.

Teaching swim lessons overload.

Coffee...underload.

Below 70 degree weather overload.

MALFUNCTIONING.

Selfish Conspiracy Against the Sun.

I'll creep up in the late afternoon

Surreptitiously through sand dunes

So you'll be shaken

When I reach high and grab you.

Timing is critical.

It's crucial that I pick the perfect day,

When you're at your best.

I prefer you most that way.

I'll wear camouflage.

I'll swerve quick through the trees,

Blending in with the people,

I'll know you'll be by the sea.

That's right where I want you

Where I feel we both belong,

Where our colors show best

And our hearts are singing their greatest song.

I'm sorry to betray you

Since you've done me no harm,

Except for the redness

You've left a time or two upon my arm.

But I've just got to have you

Your powers make me strong.

If only I could have just a piece of you

To put inside my jar to bring along.

Humph.

I'm running away. And I don't really care if it's childish or not.

SoCal or bust.

I really just need the ocean. And my mommy.

The I-think-too-much-about-things-sometimes syndrome.

I do this thing every once in a while where I somehow cause my brain to get all tangled up in my thoughts. And then my thoughts get all tangled up in my throat and move down into my chest then hastily out to all four of my limbs. And before I know it, my entire being is twisted up in the chaos of all these feelings I'm having. And I feel like such a girl. Being all complicated and shit.

And then I remember that nothing is really as complicated as so many of us make it out to be.

Or maybe I'm just being in denial of how complicated things actually are.

I don't know.

Either way, it works, at least for a little while.

And my body and my mind are freed from my tangled mess of emotions.

And sometimes I eat chocolate. And although it's not quite as effective or long lasting, it helps too.

One of these days.

You know those days that come around, where by the end of it you're just so satisfied? And you fall into bed with a smile on your face because you had such an enjoyable, fantastic day. And everything about that time was almost perfect.

Yeah well, it's been a while.

Eye in the sky.

"3rd Planet" by Modest Mouse.

"Well, a third had just been made and we were swimming in the water
Didn't know then, was it a son, was it a daughter
When it occurred to me that the animals are swimming
Around in the water in the oceans in our bodies
And another had been found, another ocean on the planet
Given that our blood is just like the Atlantic"

Such weird lyrics. Love it. On repeat.

If I find my own way, how much will I find?

I love both these versions.

Yuck.

You know pea soup, how it is just a bowl of green mush.
I feel like that's what my brain is right now.
Pea soup mush.
Yum.

Centered and thoughtful.

Today I watched a spider through my bedroom window. It was spinning it's web. And I just stared at it, completely enthralled. Watching as it so thoughtlessly jumped with it's eight crawling legs from strand to strand of it's self made thread, carefully creating it's temporary home.

It's funny how fears can be so muted when separated by a thin sheet of glass.

It's funny how such subtle protection can be so comforting.

It's funny how we can be so afraid of something so small in the first place.

Now that spider sits, peaceful, in the center of it's creation. Where I can look at it, contemplative, through the center of my window.

Kittens!

Every room mate I have ever had has surprised me with a kitten.

I mean, I've only had two room mates ever...but still. Kind of a cool surprise.

This one is grey, and tiny, and adorable...and kind of annoying...but mostly adorable.

I want to go to school forever and ever.

It's also been hot everywhere on the west coast these days...and I wish it would stay that way forever and ever.

Walking.

Due to my lack of an automobile, I spend a lot of my time walking. And I go back and forth about walking. Obviously, there are going to be times where I am extremely lazy, and walking a mile seems like a great deal of an effort. But there are several times where I don't mind it at all, and see it as a chance to be outside and get a little exercise.

So today, I was walking to work to go workout before my shift started, and I was thinking about walking, while I was walking...you follow?

And I was thinking about how usually people don't walk places because:

A) They don't have the time

B) They're too lazy

C) The weather is not proper for walking

So they own cars. And when you're in a car, you're comfy and you've got your radio and the windows down and the breeze, or the windows up with the heater, right? However, what can you do while you're driving? Nothing. You stay on the road and follow the lines and the signs and the lights.

When you walk you are free to move about however you wish. You can cross paths and boundaries. Sidewalks are just a guideline. You can climb over rocks or through forest. You can change your pace as you'd like. Plus, you take your time, you look at the things around you. And because walking takes no thought, your mind is free to be filled with whatever you want. It's a chance for you to explore. Not only physically but also mentally.

I may very well be taking this whole walking thing a bit too far, but I like the idea. And when I know I have to walk somewhere, I make sure I have enough time. So I never really feel like I'm in a hurry to get to my destination. I just stroll along with my thoughts and sometimes my music. Think about if people weren't always in a hurry, which Americans are notorious for always being.

I should write a book about how to be under stressed. People may benefit.

Glee.

I forgot to express in my previous posts about how damn excited I am that Glee is back on.

Just in time to distract me from school. Just how I like it.

wants>needs.

I have wants. And I have needs. And sometimes I feel like my wants outweigh my needs. I don't know what that means. Or if it's good or bad. Or natural?

I'm still figuring that out.

"I want to turn this thing around,

I want to drink with you all night until we both fall down."

-Low Rising, Swell Season.

Potpourri.

I swam my first "intense" workout today in training for Alcatraz.

Lets just say I have a long road ahead.

Other than that...I had an interview at Starbucks. And I think I would legitimately shed tears of joy if I got that job. Like, I'm not even joking.

Also, I've been into cooking weird vegetables lately, and concocting interesting things.

Other exciting news: I found a bookshelf outside of the dumpsters of my apartments yesterday...a perfectly good bookshelf. Purple, in fact. And it just so happened that I needed a bookshelf. And now I am quite the happy camper.

As the Grinch would say, "One man's trash is another man's potpourri!"

Future Plans I.

I have this plan to swim in the Alcatraz Sharkfest Swim in June 2011.

It's completely feasible.

1.5 mile swim. $150.

And I get to pretend like I'm escaping from Alcatraz through freezing, treacherous waters.

Sounds like fun to me!

I have nine months.

Which is more than enough time to be in pristine shape for this.

I know it's not New Year's yet, but this is totes one of my resolutions.

I now pronounce Sept. 18th: Nerd Celebration Day.

What this lovely Saturday consisted of:

10:00 AM: Woken up by a phone call from my lovely friends telling me to be ready in ten minutes because Im getting picked up. Oh, and to bring chocolate chips.

10:15 AM: Hit up Starbucks for the ever so scrumtious pumpkin spice lattes, where I not only saw the infamous Hilary Sasse [best friend's mom], but I also scored myself an interview on Tuesday to be barista. YES!

11:00 AM: Make chocolate chip pancakes at Jason's house.

11:55 AM: Plop down in front of the television with our pancakes and watch Lord of the Rings.

3:30 PM: Drove in Ellie's car through the rain to Powell's City of Books [aka, MOTHERSHIP] where Jason and I nerded out on J.R.R. Tolken's books and I purchased The Hobbit.

5:00 PM: Return home to watch Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.

7:00 PM: Ellie and Jason leave to an obligatory dinner while I await them to return to our marathon.

THIS DAY IS BLISS.

Also, it's pouring outside. And it's days like this, where I've been in my pajamas all day watching Lord of the Rings and eating a lot, that I really don't mind the rain.

Crime.

I keep forgetting about laws and regulations.

Life is more fun when all the restrictions just happen to slip your mind.

Risky business.

Don't be fooled/alarmed...I like to pretend to be so much more of a badass than I actually am.

True story.

Byrd.

There's this girl that I've known since ninth grade. She is sunshine. And we've had this strange relationship. Although we went to the same school for four years, we never really hung out outside of class, and we wouldn't really talk on the phone or anything like that. We weren't each other's go-to people. But when the timing was right and we ended up in the same place at the same time, it was like we had known each other our whole lives. Truths and secrets could spill out of us with such ease and comfort, and we wouldn't judge each other. We would only offer support. And although our lives were so different, and we were at such opposite places, we understood each other in this strange, abstract way. Unexplainable.

And just tonight, after not talking for over a year, I get a text message, and before you know it we're talking like we haven't been away for a minute. That quality in friends is something that I appreciate so much. It really doesn't come around that often. Someone that listens and accepts and loves you. Unconditionally. Despite the time you've spent apart. I mean, sometimes family members don't even do that. And for someone to just go out of the way of their own hectic life to display that sort of kindness towards another is kind of a big deal.

I don't know if everyone realizes it when they have someone like that in their lives. I just realized this tonight. After five years. Brilliant shit this is.

I remember one time we were sitting on the grass and she was having trouble with her parents and she didn't want to be connected to them anymore by her last name. So I unofficially changed her last name to Byrd. Bird with a y, just to spice it up. I told her I did it because she deserves to be free, and that she has such potential to fly.

Bear with me. And my four loko.

All the time, I think I know what I want.

And then whatever it is I think I know what I want, I get.

But then I realize, it was never really what I thought I wanted.

Ya dig? Does that make sense?

Because after I get what I think I know what I want, I don't feel satisfied. Not like I thought I would. So maybe that means I need to rethink what it is exactly that I want. But then again, maybe I shouldn't think about what it is that I want, but what it is that I need.

But what happens happens. And ya can't change it. Ya just keep on goin'. And there is just a lil' but of regret. But not too much. But just enough to keep you awake a few minutes before you go to bed. And I'm really not a fan of regret. Not even a few minutes of it. Soooo, I brush it off. Like it's no big deal. And go to bed. And have good dreams. And that's that.

Four Lokos are not that good. I mean, they get the job done. But they are just so sweeeeet. I can't do sweet. Not like that.

I'm over September. It's such an in-between month. Summer and Fall. I just want to see the leaves turn yellow. That's my favorite color.

If the leaves changed color in July, summer would be better than sex.

Risky business.

Sometimes I go into things not knowing if it will make me feel better, or worse. Sometimes I'm skeptical about my own decisions, I question myself. But by the end of all my questioning, most of the time I choose to just go for it anyways, despite all my hesitation.

It's often a fifty-fifty chance of how the outcome will be. Good or bad.

And fifty percent is enough for me.

I would say 3 out of every 4 skeptical decisions I make end up on the good side of the spectrum.

That's 75%

Who knew this would turn into a math lesson.

Cold Campbells from the can.

I just rediscovered this song.

The lyrics are just sound brilliant to me. And her voice. And the piano. I swear, she's magical.

Happy days. Everything.

What's so great, I think, is that not only are these days in the present so awesome, but I have so much to look forward to in the near future as well.

In the past week, I have been feeling especially artsy. Been drawing quite a bit. Bought some new colored pencils. I like it. New mediums.

I've been sleeping for 60 days, nobody better pinch me. Bitch, I swear, I'll go crazy.

GEEZ, SO HAPPY. I COULD DIE.

Just good day.

Community, music, ice cream, friends, love.

Edward Sharpe tonight. The day I've been waiting for. My heart is bursting at it's seams with happiness. And I haven't even left to the concert yet.

This may sound awful, but sometimes old people really get on my nerves. However, today I fully enjoyed so many of them. Most are sweet, in their own quirky little ways, I've come to learn.

False aspirations.

I wish I could rap. Or maybe just beatbox.

Somebody train me in that art. I want to be a young grasshopper, that will one day grow to be a great gangsta artist.

Maybe I could make my own style. Like nerd-hip hop. Weird Al may have already patented that. Damn.

This is silly. I don't really mean it. Just a spur of the moment thought that I decided to blog about, because I am bored and waiting on this early Tuesday evening.

Damn.

Reading machining and tectonic plates.

God, could Jack Kerouac be any more of an english genius?! This book, Desolation Angels, is wisdom in fiction form. Im obsessed. Can't get enough. I mean, listen to this:

"Music blends with the heartbeat universe and we forget the brain beat."

AND THEN:

"God how old we get and some of us go mad and everything changes viciously- its that vicious change that hurts, as soon as something is cool and complete it fall apart and burns-"

And believe me, it doesn't stop there. I could bore you with a million other quotes I jotted down on scrap pieces of paper. If you take any of my advice ever, read this book.

Registered for some classes today. So happy to be going back to school...even if it is just part time. Part time is better than no time. And one of my classes is on the geology of earthquakes, which I am thinking is going to be extremely fascinating. I feel that earthquakes are quite relevant to this world all the time. And ever since I was a young lass, tectonic plates have captivated me.

I know, I know...nerd.

Also, going to go see Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros on Thursday. I might possibly explode from happiness. I want to be them.

Different levels.

Brand new respect for bubble bears and beta fish.

My admiration for Jimi Hendrix has been rejuvenated, and I feel I will never see a sky the same way.

I have a new fascination for plumbing supply stores as well as top floors of hospital parking garages.

Connections made, ties broken.

This might make no sense to you. Just go with it.

Morning clarity.

I have been opening at work twice a week and due to my lack of transportation, I have been walking at 5:15 in the morning to get there. At first I was dreading this, but there's something about it that I really enjoy. Walking that early in the dark of the morning, where barely any cars are on the road and I am free to jaywalk. There is silence in this early hour and because my day has barely started, my brain is just beginning to function, and there is a certain clarity that comes to me. Lately there has been a cool wind lapping at my face as I walk, balancing out the heat my body generates from my legs moving so briskly. I wish I could wake up that early every morning and not be tired throughout my day. But at this time in my life, there are far too many late nights of fun to have the strength to awaken myself that early everyday.

The Void.

"My life is a vast and insane legend reaching everywhere without beginning or ending..." Desolation Angels, Jack Kerouac.

Seriously, cant get enough of him this summer. Such a unique style, and the things he has to say...

Summer is winding down, and even though that's such a bummer, there's something about these days that I really love. Things seem more calm and settled. But not so settled that these days are still. There's just enough chaos around to vibrate things a bit. I like this air.

Middle Aged?

Got off work. Made some tea. Ate a cookie. Put on my PJ's. Reading some Jack Kerouac. Falling asleep while the sun is still out.

I kind of feel like Im 45 years old.

But honestly, I couldn't ask for anything better right about now.

Just this stillness. In my bed, with my tea and my book, under the warmth and protection of my multicolored quilt.

Oozing brain.

Once upon a time,
I lifeguarded a mostly empty pool for nine hours one day, then seven hours the next two days.
And then I lost my mind.
The end.

Patience.

I would call myself a patient person. I don't get easily irritated when I've gotta wait on someone or something. Usually there isn't much you can do about it, so why get annoyed? But when something is just taking so long, longer than you expected. It's hard to be so patient and understanding. And then I do get irritated and annoyed. Even though there still isn't anything I can do about it.

It's a vicious cycle.

One of the kind, kind people that I rode back from Berkeley with burned me some music off her computer on the drive. On it she included the whole Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros album. Saw them at Outside Lands. Seriously, just the best. So obsessed with them right now. Every song. They're coming to Portland September 2nd and 3rd. And Im going, even if I have to go by myself. They're that good. Go listen.

Incredible.

Words cannot explain how incredible the past few days of my life have been. Just sequences of events with the right people at the right times in the perfect moments.

Went to Berk to see Iz.

Coincidentally got to see soooo much of my family at my uncle's gorgeous home in Santa Rosa. Listen to them jam all day and night, climb through meadows and up hillsides to look over the Santa Rosa mountains with my best friend.

Outside Lands. So many amazing bands. Seriously blew my mind. Just chaos, energy, musical, goodness.

Not to mention, I bonded with three strangers on the rides to Berkeley and back.

Just so much laughter, music, friends, photos, food, family, love. Amazing.

Bezerkeley.

I am here in Berkeley, California visiting one of my best friends.
I am staying in this giant house where the walls are completely covered with imaginative, colorful, bright, crazy murals.
People walking around naked and fire dancing in the back yard is a common happening here.
There are just people everywhere, the sun is out, music is playing, alcohol is ingested, and the smell of marijuana is seeped into the walls.

This life is one that I would be down for.

A cabin in the woods.

I wish I could just take all my money and things and give it away. And retreat into the woods. And live. Away from everything.

And yeah, maybe I would be in denial of this whole crazy world and my responsibilities and the people and places I left behind. And maybe I would get lonely.

But sometimes, this world is just too overwhelming. And instead of being brave and facing it. I just want to run away.

I'm pouting. I realize this.

Influence.

Someone can have so much more power and influence than they were ever conscious of.

Our words and actions can sway an opinion or open a mind.

Behaviors and expressions may possibly have the potential to control those around us.

We should be aware of this. Of the influence that we may have on those we are surrounded by.

Because these changes that we make in others may not be for the best.

We should make a conscious effort to make sure that they are.

Constant change.

I quit smoking.

I play racquetball at least twice a week.

Im riding to San Francisco with three strangers, then back to Portland with three more.

I use disposable cameras.

I blast country music while I take showers.

I know how to make potatoes in about ten different ways.

I plan trips across the world for myself.

I am in denial about how disgustingly messy my bedroom is.

I read like a mad woman.

Looking at myself now, and looking at myself ten months ago, I realize that I am constantly changing. My motives, my actions, my thoughts. Adding new things to my life, getting rid of the old. Endlessly in motion.

So, we're livin' life like a video.

Impulsive drives to Bend, OR for weekend get aways.

Hiking, and then more hiking.

Hitch hiking [through the internet] to San Francisco.

Not showering for three plus days.

Possessing five food items in the fridge to last you the week.

Drunken piggy back rides.

Heart to hearts.

People coming and going and staying and leaving.

Anticipation for Outside Lands Music Festival.

Anticipation to see best friends.

Anticipation for this last month of summer.

I forever want to be young.

At least in spirit.

Ishmael.

I finished One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest...finally. Awesome. One of the themes in the book seemed to be the power of laughter. Which I really loved a lot. Here are some quotes I pulled:

"Man, when you lose your laugh, you lose your footing."

"Because he knows that you have to laugh at the things that hurt you just to keep yourself in balance, just to keep the world from running you plumb crazy."

I would place this book in my top fifteen favorites.

My new read is Ishmael, by Daniel Quinn. It was recommended to me by a coworker, he told me it changed his perspective about a lot of things. I like it when books make you do that. Im only about forty pages in, but so far it's really making me think. It mentioned the phrase "post hoc, ergo propter hoc" Which is Latin for "after this, therefore because of this." Which makes sense when you think about it. How events in our lives are all sort of connected, and a current situation that we're in may not be happening if it was not for the prior event. Does that make sense?

Goodbyes.

It's funny how you can know someone for only less than a year, yet feel like you've known them your whole life. How someone can make you feel so comfortable around them so fast, and allow you to open up more than you ever have to any one else, without making you feel vulnerable. Someone you are always on the same page with. Who will love you unconditionally. Who will drop everything for you.

Those people don't come around often. Barely ever, if you're lucky.

So when they have to leave, change surroundings, head off for bigger and better things, you want to be happy for them because you know it's what's best. And you try and try to find it in your heart to not break down while you're hugging them goodbye at the airport security, and you can manage to keep it together on the car ride home. But once you walk into your home, empty and dark from the overcast day, you begin to realize that this person, that was just twenty minutes ago crying in your arms wont be there again till Thanksgiving.

And then you begin to cry.

And you know, I really really just hate goodbyes.

Keep perspective.

Often times Im scared to admit that I don't like growing up.

And I don't like paying bills and having a job.

All I want is to go to school and have friends and family.

Those three things make me happiest.

And music. And the ocean. And coffee and iced tea and snuggling.

So maybe like six things?

Is that really so much to ask?

I suppose it is. When you're someone living somewhere where water isn't accessible. And you wonder if you're going to be able to eat that day. And you're curious if anyone cares. I have been forced to grow up at the age of nineteen. But what about those forced to grow up at the age of seven...or eight, or nine? That's more than a decade younger. It may be hard sometimes...but things could always be harder. And certain aspects of my life that come easy to me may be the main worries to someone else. Have perspective. Keep perspective.

B-U-D-D-Y.

Found this song on my itunes a while back. So beautiful.

I've also been listening to this song for a few weeks now...and just today I realized its about penis...or maybe sperm? Possibly sex or masturbation? Wikipedia says "Buddy" means "Body." Whatever it is, it's inappropriate. And I like it.

Cravings.

I want to be able to wake up and go places.

And not just any places like work or the mall or Starbucks.

Places that matter. And I don't think I even mean real, physical places. But places in my mind and emotions as well. I yearn for knowledge and experience.

I have this constant craving for movement and change.

I continue to possess a lust for new realizations.

And although I am thankful for this life I lead now. I feel it is not enough. I am not yet satisfied with my day to day routine. And maybe that's just it. Maybe my life has become routine. Scheduled.

Bluntly put, I think I may be in a rut.

Well, I aint always right, but I've never been wrong.

Why does everyone feel the need to define things? Why is it so important to put labels on other people and relationships and yourself? Is it a security thing? Like I honestly just don't understand it. Things should just be the way they are. In that moment. With yourself or with someone else. Because I feel like labels and definitions put a restraint on things. And I don't like to be held back.

A few mornings ago I woke up with this line in my head and it's been stuck there ever since. I think it's a sign. Or just a damn good song. Either, or.

"Once in a while you get shown the light,

In the strangest of places if you look at it right."

--Scarlet Begonias, Grateful Dead.

Scatterbrained.

People always have something to say. And when you have something to say, it's always appreciated when there's someone to listen.

I've come to realize that if I really focus on something that I don't really like or care for, but other people do, then I begin to understand why they love it. And it makes me appreciate it a little more.

Even though there are lots of bratty, obnoxious, annoying children out there, I have to remember that it's not their fault that they have turned out that way.

Although it is highly valued, a comfortable life can also be a boring one.

I really love the idea of being someone that can make an impact on others.

I have been sleeping too much, and I am starting to feel wasteful of these summer days, so Im setting my alarm.

I've been thinking about how I used to take piano lessons, and how I wish I could have stuck with it for longer than two or three years, or however long it was.

I will make an honest effort to never take my frustrations out on the innocent people around me just because it's convenient.

This blog is so much for myself, I have come to realize. It's nice to know people read it. But more than that it's like a canal of freedom for my thoughts. And I don't feel embarrassed or ashamed when I post things here, and I don't feel the need to impress anyone. It's like a journal...only public. Which is kind of exhilarating in a way.

This post is just an obvious statement to how unorganized my brain has become.

Giving in.

Billie Holiday sometimes...actually, like all the time...melts my lil' heart. Bless her soul.

I am awaiting the arrival of my roommate's new television she is currently purchasing. We were supposed to be strong, and live without a television and without paying for internet. Live the cheap, easy life. Steal internet from Starbucks. Read instead of watch movies.

Nope.

Definitely getting a TV.

Definitely paying for internet next month.

Can you blame us?

We have become addicts of the redbox movie rentals. And watching them on our laptop screens just got kind of old.

Bring on the big screen.

My Porcelain Sanctuary.

Ya wanna know one of my guilty pleasures?

Baths.

They are not environmentally friendly...but I could give two shits.

Just laying enclosed within porcelain walls, naked body engulfed in warm water, in the calm and privacy of the bathroom. Mellow music playing quiet enough that it relaxes me, but loud enough that I can hear it when my ears are submerged.

I can think about everything in a bathtub, or if I so choose, I don't have to think about anything.

As silly as it sounds, to me it's safety and sanctuary.

Baths are therapeutic.

Actually, now that Im thinking about it, really any body of water seems therapeutic to me. This weekend I was at Detroit Lake, and just staring out at something so serene and natural and smooth is comforting to me. Laying on my back in a cold swimming pool and letting the density of the chlorine infested water keep me afloat is so calming to me. But even swimming in the ocean with giant waves crashing over my head is somehow comforting as well. I have a connection with water. It's a part of me; we flow together. I feel all humans are meant to have some sort of connection with the water. I mean, it does cover a shit load of this earth. It's all around us. It's what's keeping us alive. Some people are just hesitant to the currents it provides, or maybe it's mystic depths. If you haven't, I encourage you to just let it take you, the water. Be one with it, move along with it's ripples and waves. If you let it, it can make you feel light and free and almost superhuman.

In 30 Seconds We'll Be Ninety.

Lately, I've been writing a lot. Long paragraphs, thoughtful words. And then I find myself deleting it all and closing out the window. Something about what I've had to say lately just isn't really me. I would feel dishonest posting it.

This is the first thing I've written in a while that feels right and true and honest.

Your voice and it's simplicity,

Your eyes and their sincerity.

The way you take the time to speak with me

And close your lids to picture what I see.

Our laughs, out loud; hysterically.

Your spoken words said honestly.

The way we whisper "just let it be."

And answer back ecstatically.

When this earth is orbiting crazily,

I look to you, you look to me.

No one has ever made me feel as free

As your heart beating so rapidly.

When we're in the sea

Home free

Our breath in and out so clearly,

Our ocean waves so viciously

Attack our bodies, somehow lovingly

Embracing us, so motherly.

Swallowing us wholly.

Until this space around us so openly

Provides us with utmost clarity.

Which can remove all doubt, dangerously.

Yet replace our Autumn motives, thankfully.

And we're just moving right now, daily

You there, and here me

Our minds creating connectivity.

Thoughts sparking simultaneously.

Strange happenings, unintentionally.

You told me so non-challantly

That in 30 seconds we'll be ninety.

This time is passing too hastily,

But by slowing it we would mistakingly

Be altering our lives, our mortality.

We've got to keep up, running hurriedly

You in my face, our backs to the sea.

I've never trusted someone so whole heartedly.

And said words out loud so bluntly

But meant them oh so sharply.

You're making me a cynic.

I dont like it when people aren't appreciated.

Im not gonna preach or anything...

but...

Good people shouldn't be taken for granted.

Or taken advantage of.

Or stepped on.

You unknowingly leave your mark,

Like a rug with an L-shaped imprint due to the leg of the coffee table always pressing down.

It's easier than you think

To just show someone you care.

Or to take a second to return the favor.

Possibly take a step back

And realize that someone is arbitrarily taking time and thought to make your life better.

I don't understand you all.

Not one bit.

Maybe that makes me a hypocrite.

Whatever.

Just stop thinking you're entitled.

Stop walking in one direction, expecting everyone to follow.

If you keep acting this way,

Before long, you'll be walking alone.

And Im gonna have a really hard time feeling sorry for you.

Friends, lovers, and soul mates.

You wanna know what sorta blows my mind?

The idea that out of all the people on this big, giant, overpopulated earth, so many of us are able to some how, some way, discover our best friends. Our soul mates. Someone that you can relate to and connect with on a level that you can't find with anyone else.

People that you know are gonna be in your life for a long time. Possibly your whole life.

That's really something to hold on to.

I love, love, love those people in your life that you have known for a while. And you don't see them for like six months or sometimes an entire year, or maybe longer and you do finally see them and it's like you were never apart. You just pick right back up where you left off. Everything just naturally falls back into place again.

I hate trying to force things. Sometimes I feel like Im in denial, and try to hold onto people that have been gone for a long time. It's natural, I guess. People change, experience different things, mold into different lifestyles. And eventually you stop relating, slowly talk less, and eventually just stop all together. As much as that kind of depresses me, I feel like it's something I just have to accept. It's sort of hard though.

I really do just hate losing touch.

I live in Starbucks.

You know what I do a lot? Crack myself up.

Funny? Annoying? A sign of insanity? I don't know. Don't really care either.

BUT there is this middle aged man that works at my job, and he always laughs at everything I say.

Laughing at me? Laughing with me? I don't know. Don't care.

The point is, I make him laugh. And that honestly kind of boosts my self esteem.

Currently reading: One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest - Ken Kesey.

Seriously, good stuff. If you've never read it, read it now. Probs my fav of this summer's readings so far.

Found this picture. Something about it...I really love it.

jhnmyr.tumblr.com.

Woooaaahhhkay.

So one of my good ol' friends from back home in the VTA introduced me to John Mayer's tumblr.

jhnmyr.tumblr.com

Even if he does come off as kind of an arrogant asshole on TV or on the radio, he really does have some pretty awesome things to say...like this:

"Is your boyfriend cute? Was Hurt Locker the best movie of the year? Are you going to go out in those shoes? Should you take the promotion and move to Boston? Did I wear “Hammer” pants on stage in Houston or is Rick Owens a visionary clothing designer?

It all depends on who you ask.

Which is a pretty great reason to stop asking all together. Nobody’s life template will ever lay evenly over yours. And in those times when they clash completely, you have to walk alone, with confidence that you’re creating your own template, made out of your own instincts and your own dreams and your own goals. And if you do it long enough, maybe someone someday will look to yours as the life to model theirs after. Of course, some people won’t agree with them. It will all depend on who they ask.

JM."

Rant on Religion.

THOUGHT OF THE DAY AS I WAS LIFEGUARDING:

Would if there was no religion?

I decided that it would not be a good thing if there was no religion. As much as it causes controversy, I feel like the world would just be chaos without it. Religion gives people a sense of security, the feeling of a community, and exceptions to things that they have no control over. Religion is like a giant umbrella of safety. Although people may not understand it, it helps them in so many ways. And without religion, we may not have several of the very important values and beliefs that we do today. So, I feel like people shouldn't go bashing on all religion everywhere, before really taking a good look into what religion is all about.

Everyone has a difference of opinion, and we were all raised differently in separate homes, growing up learning different morals and beliefs. What may seem right to one person could be completely blasphemous to another. We cant help the differences that fall upon us all. One thing I wish that we could all see, though, is that this world would be so much better off if we could all just gain some perspective. That right there, is what it's all about. Perspective. If we could see where we were all coming from. If we took a moment to think about what others have been through. If we didn't always judge so quickly. If we could just be okay with each other's differences, and accept what is not the same, I think that would be a tremendously effective idea. I mean, think about, what do people normally fight over? Differences.

Geez. Sorry for this random rant of thoughts. I've been lifeguarding a lot lately, which gives me oodles of time to think. Soooo...yea.

Scenic World.

It seriously is all about this song. All about Beirut. So good.

If you like this, I also suggest "Elephant Gun" and "Nantes"

Its just a unique sound to me. All the instruments and his voice and the lyrics. It's honest.

Friedrich Nietzsche.

Friedrich Nietzsche, a ruthless nonconformist, had an act for obliterating all the feel-good ideas that people had for themselves. And even though some of these...most of these, are quite cynical and pessimistic, which is normally not my way of thinking about life. However, I think that I agree with a lot of them. If you think about then, they kind of do make a lot of sense.

1. People who have given us their complete confidence believe that they have a right to ours. The inference is false, a gift confers no rights.

2. He that humbleth himself wishes to be exalted.

3. The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.

4. There are no facts, only interpretations.

5. Morality is but the herd-instinct in the individual.

6. No one talks more passionately about his rights than he who in the depths of his soul doubts whether he has any.

7. Without music, life would be a mistake.

8. Anyone who has declared someone else to be an idiot, a bad apple, is annoyed when it turns out in the end that he isn’t.

9. In large states public education will always be mediocre, for the same reason that in large kitchens the cooking is usually bad.

10. The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends.

11. A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.

12. We often refuse to accept an idea merely because the way in which it has been expressed is unsympathetic to us.

13. No victor believes in chance.

14. Convictions are more dangerous foes of truth than lies.

15. Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.

16. It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.

17. The essence of all beautiful art, all great art, is gratitude.

18. The future influences the present just as much as the past.

19. The most common lie is that which one tells himself; lying to others is relatively an exception.

20. I counsel you, my friends: Distrust all in whom the impulse to punish is powerful.

21. Rejoicing in our joy, not suffering over our suffering, is what makes someone a friend.

22. God is a thought who makes crooked all that is straight.

23. Success has always been a great liar.

24. Nothing on earth consumes a man more quickly than the passion of resentment.

25. What do you regard as most humane? To spare someone shame.

26. Whatever is done for love always occurs beyond good and evil.

27. When a hundred men stand together, each of them loses his mind and gets another one.

28. When one has a great deal to put into it a day has a hundred pockets.

29. Whoever despises himself nonetheless respects himself as one who despises.

30. All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth.

31. What is good? All that heightens the feeling of power, the will to power, power itself. What is bad? All that is born of weakness. What is happiness? The feeling that power is growing, that resistance is overcome.

32. Fear is the mother of morality.

33. A politician divides mankind into two classes: tools and enemies.

34. Everyone who has ever built anywhere a new heaven first found the power thereto in his own hell.

35. There is more wisdom in your body than in your deepest philosophy.

36. The mother of excess is not joy but joylessness.

37. The Kingdom of Heaven is a condition of the heart — not something that comes upon the earth or after death.

38. What is the mark of liberation? No longer being ashamed in front of oneself.

39. Glance into the world just as though time were gone: and everything crooked will become straight to you.

40. We should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once.

Speakin' the truth.

I say what I want to say. I am blunt. And I don't mean to offend people, and I don't mean to sounds absurd to anyone. It's just what I do. Like if I wanna talk about something provocative, Im gonna do it. I really have no shame. And most of the time I find that the people Im talking to are more than willing to join in on the convo.

Lessons learned in life: People love talking about sex.

ANYWHOOOO...

I believe people should be open and honest. Why lie?

I mean, the truth shouldn't be seen as such a goddamn scary thing. Sometimes it's not exactly what you wanna hear, and sometimes the truth lets you down a shit load...but I would take a million bad truths over a lie. Otherwise, you're kind of just living one big lie in speaking and believing in it.

Plus, it skips over a lot of unnecessary drama when you just say what's true.

Recent thoughts.

Lots of lil' realizations:

1. Every single Starbucks ever has free wifi. And green tea. Which makes it like the best place ever.
2. Joe's Crab Shack has dank crab. Obviously, they should. But sometimes names can be misleading, so this is just to clarify.
3. At least three nights out of these summer weeks, I am a drunken hooligan.
4. My body despises clothes in this 85/90 degree weather. Which is fine for me...not so fine for my roommate.
5. The reason why I love teaching swim lessons: It is actually acceptable for me to act like a child.
6. One of the top reasons I love Portland: All the bridges back and forth over the river.
7. I have become more of a green tea addict than ever before. My mouth literally craves it the moment I wake up. Like it's programed into my brain. Sad? Or AWESOME?

Thats all for now. I do believe that my life is funny. Like weird things happen to me daily. Hilarious situations. I like it that way. Beats boring, ya know?

1997.

I used to eat grass and dirt

And played pretend

And stained my shirt.

And I didn't care

When something got lost

Because I was too busy observing

All the dew and the frost.

And I always ran with bare feet

In the neighbor's backyard

And all through the the street.

Then when the rain came down

There were no umbrellas

No complaining, no frowns

but Excitement

With the thunder claps

and hiding in a cave of sheets

Drawing our own treasure maps.

I didn't need something special

just to have a good time

Acting like a lunatic

wasn't such a crime.

I wasn't blowing smoke

To keep from going insane

It was just me.

Just me and my brain.

And it wasn't so clear to me

That those years ago

I was more free.

More free then, I suppose

I ever again will be.

Haikus to 99 degrees.

Naked body thinks

It is too hot for clothing

Even in the night.

This warmth is blissful

Please stay this way forever

I despise the cold.

This sunlight beaming

On my body and my soul

Bursting everywhere.

People.

If there is one thing I'm sure of, it's that the one thing that will truly bring me happiness in life are the people that I surround myself with. My daily social interactions. My best friends, acquaintances, family, mentors, coworkers. The way I interact with them; over the phone, over lunch, over a drunken night, a day hike, or an early morning shift. I cannot express how much my mood is lifted when I am with these people.

I am a lover of conversation. I love it when people have something to say. Something they want to get off their chest, emotions they have been holding in. I will sit, lay, walk with you for hours just to hear what you have to say.

But at the same time, I do love talking. Not so much about myself, but more about my views and ideas. Sometimes I just feel like I have so much to say and not enough people to listen. Maybe that's why I blog. In hopes that others are taking in what I have to say, and understanding and relating.

The notion of not being alone in this life is happiness enough for me.

You can have all the money and material in this world, but if you don't have people, you don't have anything.

Living.

I know I'm young, and it's probably too early for me to think about getting old, but I do. I think it might be my job and having to be around the elderly a lot, or possibly the sudden load of adult-like responsibilities that I have recently attained. But getting older, I mean like reallllly old, scares me.

And I know that maybe it shouldn't scare me so much, because it's just part of life and ya just gotta do it. But when I'm eighty, I dont want to be shuffling around, going to go play pinnacle and eat applesauce with my senile, temperamental friends.

I feel like I always have to be going. All the time. Living life, seeing things, meeting people, taking risks. And just living. Because life really is so incredibly short. And maybe there is such a thing as having more than one life. But we only get one life in this body, with these surroundings, with these people and activities and opportunities. This is it. I want chaos and to feel things and witness things with my very eyes that will broaden my perspective and understanding of this world and all that surrounds me.

And I plan to keep going. For as long as I possibly can. Until I literally cannot go anymore. When I am bedridden, unable to move, then maybe I'll be ok with my friends coming over to play a round of pinnacle. But when Im old and getting down to my last years, I want to be ok with dying. I want to feel like I did everything that I possibly could in this lifetime.

Seriously?

Ok, ya'll can just scratch that last post. Because it's July, right? WRONG. It's raining.

Bullshit, I say.

July: My Main Squeeze.

I love the beginning of new months. Love them. I feel like 30/31 days is just enough time for a month. You're just getting sick of it by the time it finally ends. And it's gonna be July now. The heart of summer. Where the sun shines it's brightest, you drink the most iced tea, attend the most BBQs, spend the most time outside, and wear the least amount of clothing. Those are all pretty much my favorite things. Hence, July is my favorite month...next to October, because I really do just love the beginning of the season of fall.

June is such a tease. It's supposed to be summer, but really, it's just gloomy most of the time. Stupid June. I've tossed you out and moved on to July.

I can be a ho when it comes to months.

Struggles.

I suppose it's inevitable, that things get worse before they get better.

I've never been the type of person that just got things handed to them. For almost everything that I have truly ever wanted in life, I have had to work for it. Which is something I honestly take pride in. I feel like I've learned a lot and gained much independence. Through working for what I want, I've grown up immensely. And I hope to keep working for things that I truly aspire to have in life.

But sometimes, it's really just kind of hard. Struggling to get by. Letting money stress me out so much. Not knowing about school, or any of my future for that matter. I didn't used to be like this. Money never stressed me out so much before. I never let it. But now, it's almost inevitable. It's so grown-up. I have grown up. And the truth is, I have big responsibilities now. Taking care of myself, my life and everything that goes along with it. And that makes one part of me really anxious and excited to be so independent, but it makes another part of me scared shitless.

But I'll just keep working. I may not have a set goal for my life, but I have an idea. And I know the last thing I want to do is move backwards when I have come so far.

Freedom: Summer 2010.

Back in Portland. And it truly is so good to be back. Simply put, I am happy here.

And it's summer. Which is just goodness in itself. And people are correct when they say that Portland summers are fantastic.

There is just love all around.

And the sun shines bright until almost 9 PM.

I went on my first run through my new neighborhood today after work. And let me tell you, Multnomah Village sure does have some hills. Geez.

But it's good. It's great. Everything. It's everything I want. Everything I need.

Even though my apartment has zero furniture and I'll be sleeping on the floor for the next two weeks and I'm riding a bicycle that's about to fall apart at any second and I'm working over 40 hours a week and I'm flat broke and I need a haircut (talk about a run-on), I feel that I honestly am at my best here. On my own, struggling to get by. There's something liberating about it.

Ya know what it is? I feel free, and right. All over, everywhere and everything.

Back home?

Im flying back today to Portland, Oregon from LAX (ughhh, hate LAX. Everyone at every other airport is so much nicer.)

I keep saying that I'm flying home. And in my eyes I am. Portland is my home now. Which is weird. Ventura used to be such a home, and then so quickly it grew to this place that once was. Now it's just "where I grew up" and "where I went to high school."

This whole experience of me visiting Ventura has been so great, but also so strange. I've realized a lot of things now that I never had before. Strangely enough, I have gained a certain confidence. A confidence that I will be able to make it on my own. And a confidence of where I belong.

But for now, later Ventura, I'll see ya in the winter time.

Pokes n' Jokes.

Im not usually one to get all into the controversy of politics and shtuff buttttt, this was funny. I thought.

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."