Faults in my foundation.

Figuring everything out is easier said than done. And I've probably made more than enough mistakes for someone my age. But in some weird way, I kind of like that I have made so many. And I'm becoming aware of all my faults. That's just how it goes, I suppose.

I'm sort of passive to the whole mistake-making idea. Regret is sort of a waste of time and energy, ya know?

Fading.

Things fade out so fast.

Something is so exciting, and it gets your blood pumping, and you have all these ideas and plans.

And as time goes on, it slowly fades. And you think about it less and less. And then it's gone.

A week later, something else comes up that gets your adrenaline flowing. And the cycle starts again.

Im sick of saying I'll do something, then never getting around to it. I want something to hold my attention for longer than a week. Longer than a month. Longer than a year. I want to be passionate and thrive off of an idea or a plan.

Then again, I am so against making plans anyways. Maybe the reason why they never work out is because I never follow through in the first place.

Thunder and lightning and hail, oh my!

Ventura, California welcomed me home with lots of rain and thunder, lightning, and hail storms.

Normally I would be angry, however, thunder and lightning don't come around so often in Portland or in Ventura, so it's kind of been awesome.

I love storms. I love the chaos they bring; knocking things over and flooding streets. People in awe but at the same time fearful. I think it's important that mother nature brings on these storms. To remind everyone that she's not just majestic trees and serene butterflies. She can be a crazy bitch, ya know?

Anyways, as much as I love this weather, it's sort of making me anxious because I can't go run on my favorite run at the beach. I mean, I could, but it would be miserable.

So instead, Im going to lay on my mother's couch and watch movies and drink hot chocolate and wait for someone to call. Not a bad replacement to a run.

Where did the good go?

Everything has changed. But I still feel the same.

I've been thinking. And I feel like everyone has to really get down and depressed about life every once in a while. And I think it's normal and it's healthy.

However, it is not healthy at all to stay in that state for more than a few days.

I feel like so many good things happen to us every single day. And because we're so focused on the bad, the good gets neglected.

And not even good things like winning the lottery or something like that.

But good things like you made every green light on the way to work. Or you witnessed a beautiful sunset. Or someone made cookies and gave you one to try.

It doesn't take a lot for something to be good. But unfortunately, it seems to be taking us more and more effort to notice when something is.

Centered and thoughtful.

Today I watched a spider through my bedroom window. It was spinning it's web. And I just stared at it, completely enthralled. Watching as it so thoughtlessly jumped with it's eight crawling legs from strand to strand of it's self made thread, carefully creating it's temporary home.

It's funny how fears can be so muted when separated by a thin sheet of glass.

It's funny how such subtle protection can be so comforting.

It's funny how we can be so afraid of something so small in the first place.

Now that spider sits, peaceful, in the center of it's creation. Where I can look at it, contemplative, through the center of my window.

Walking.

Due to my lack of an automobile, I spend a lot of my time walking. And I go back and forth about walking. Obviously, there are going to be times where I am extremely lazy, and walking a mile seems like a great deal of an effort. But there are several times where I don't mind it at all, and see it as a chance to be outside and get a little exercise.

So today, I was walking to work to go workout before my shift started, and I was thinking about walking, while I was walking...you follow?

And I was thinking about how usually people don't walk places because:

A) They don't have the time

B) They're too lazy

C) The weather is not proper for walking

So they own cars. And when you're in a car, you're comfy and you've got your radio and the windows down and the breeze, or the windows up with the heater, right? However, what can you do while you're driving? Nothing. You stay on the road and follow the lines and the signs and the lights.

When you walk you are free to move about however you wish. You can cross paths and boundaries. Sidewalks are just a guideline. You can climb over rocks or through forest. You can change your pace as you'd like. Plus, you take your time, you look at the things around you. And because walking takes no thought, your mind is free to be filled with whatever you want. It's a chance for you to explore. Not only physically but also mentally.

I may very well be taking this whole walking thing a bit too far, but I like the idea. And when I know I have to walk somewhere, I make sure I have enough time. So I never really feel like I'm in a hurry to get to my destination. I just stroll along with my thoughts and sometimes my music. Think about if people weren't always in a hurry, which Americans are notorious for always being.

I should write a book about how to be under stressed. People may benefit.

wants>needs.

I have wants. And I have needs. And sometimes I feel like my wants outweigh my needs. I don't know what that means. Or if it's good or bad. Or natural?

I'm still figuring that out.

"I want to turn this thing around,

I want to drink with you all night until we both fall down."

-Low Rising, Swell Season.

Bear with me. And my four loko.

All the time, I think I know what I want.

And then whatever it is I think I know what I want, I get.

But then I realize, it was never really what I thought I wanted.

Ya dig? Does that make sense?

Because after I get what I think I know what I want, I don't feel satisfied. Not like I thought I would. So maybe that means I need to rethink what it is exactly that I want. But then again, maybe I shouldn't think about what it is that I want, but what it is that I need.

But what happens happens. And ya can't change it. Ya just keep on goin'. And there is just a lil' but of regret. But not too much. But just enough to keep you awake a few minutes before you go to bed. And I'm really not a fan of regret. Not even a few minutes of it. Soooo, I brush it off. Like it's no big deal. And go to bed. And have good dreams. And that's that.

Four Lokos are not that good. I mean, they get the job done. But they are just so sweeeeet. I can't do sweet. Not like that.

I'm over September. It's such an in-between month. Summer and Fall. I just want to see the leaves turn yellow. That's my favorite color.

If the leaves changed color in July, summer would be better than sex.

Risky business.

Sometimes I go into things not knowing if it will make me feel better, or worse. Sometimes I'm skeptical about my own decisions, I question myself. But by the end of all my questioning, most of the time I choose to just go for it anyways, despite all my hesitation.

It's often a fifty-fifty chance of how the outcome will be. Good or bad.

And fifty percent is enough for me.

I would say 3 out of every 4 skeptical decisions I make end up on the good side of the spectrum.

That's 75%

Who knew this would turn into a math lesson.

Reading machining and tectonic plates.

God, could Jack Kerouac be any more of an english genius?! This book, Desolation Angels, is wisdom in fiction form. Im obsessed. Can't get enough. I mean, listen to this:

"Music blends with the heartbeat universe and we forget the brain beat."

AND THEN:

"God how old we get and some of us go mad and everything changes viciously- its that vicious change that hurts, as soon as something is cool and complete it fall apart and burns-"

And believe me, it doesn't stop there. I could bore you with a million other quotes I jotted down on scrap pieces of paper. If you take any of my advice ever, read this book.

Registered for some classes today. So happy to be going back to school...even if it is just part time. Part time is better than no time. And one of my classes is on the geology of earthquakes, which I am thinking is going to be extremely fascinating. I feel that earthquakes are quite relevant to this world all the time. And ever since I was a young lass, tectonic plates have captivated me.

I know, I know...nerd.

Also, going to go see Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros on Thursday. I might possibly explode from happiness. I want to be them.

The Void.

"My life is a vast and insane legend reaching everywhere without beginning or ending..." Desolation Angels, Jack Kerouac.

Seriously, cant get enough of him this summer. Such a unique style, and the things he has to say...

Summer is winding down, and even though that's such a bummer, there's something about these days that I really love. Things seem more calm and settled. But not so settled that these days are still. There's just enough chaos around to vibrate things a bit. I like this air.

Constant change.

I quit smoking.

I play racquetball at least twice a week.

Im riding to San Francisco with three strangers, then back to Portland with three more.

I use disposable cameras.

I blast country music while I take showers.

I know how to make potatoes in about ten different ways.

I plan trips across the world for myself.

I am in denial about how disgustingly messy my bedroom is.

I read like a mad woman.

Looking at myself now, and looking at myself ten months ago, I realize that I am constantly changing. My motives, my actions, my thoughts. Adding new things to my life, getting rid of the old. Endlessly in motion.

Keep perspective.

Often times Im scared to admit that I don't like growing up.

And I don't like paying bills and having a job.

All I want is to go to school and have friends and family.

Those three things make me happiest.

And music. And the ocean. And coffee and iced tea and snuggling.

So maybe like six things?

Is that really so much to ask?

I suppose it is. When you're someone living somewhere where water isn't accessible. And you wonder if you're going to be able to eat that day. And you're curious if anyone cares. I have been forced to grow up at the age of nineteen. But what about those forced to grow up at the age of seven...or eight, or nine? That's more than a decade younger. It may be hard sometimes...but things could always be harder. And certain aspects of my life that come easy to me may be the main worries to someone else. Have perspective. Keep perspective.

Well, I aint always right, but I've never been wrong.

Why does everyone feel the need to define things? Why is it so important to put labels on other people and relationships and yourself? Is it a security thing? Like I honestly just don't understand it. Things should just be the way they are. In that moment. With yourself or with someone else. Because I feel like labels and definitions put a restraint on things. And I don't like to be held back.

A few mornings ago I woke up with this line in my head and it's been stuck there ever since. I think it's a sign. Or just a damn good song. Either, or.

"Once in a while you get shown the light,

In the strangest of places if you look at it right."

--Scarlet Begonias, Grateful Dead.

Rant on Religion.

THOUGHT OF THE DAY AS I WAS LIFEGUARDING:

Would if there was no religion?

I decided that it would not be a good thing if there was no religion. As much as it causes controversy, I feel like the world would just be chaos without it. Religion gives people a sense of security, the feeling of a community, and exceptions to things that they have no control over. Religion is like a giant umbrella of safety. Although people may not understand it, it helps them in so many ways. And without religion, we may not have several of the very important values and beliefs that we do today. So, I feel like people shouldn't go bashing on all religion everywhere, before really taking a good look into what religion is all about.

Everyone has a difference of opinion, and we were all raised differently in separate homes, growing up learning different morals and beliefs. What may seem right to one person could be completely blasphemous to another. We cant help the differences that fall upon us all. One thing I wish that we could all see, though, is that this world would be so much better off if we could all just gain some perspective. That right there, is what it's all about. Perspective. If we could see where we were all coming from. If we took a moment to think about what others have been through. If we didn't always judge so quickly. If we could just be okay with each other's differences, and accept what is not the same, I think that would be a tremendously effective idea. I mean, think about, what do people normally fight over? Differences.

Geez. Sorry for this random rant of thoughts. I've been lifeguarding a lot lately, which gives me oodles of time to think. Soooo...yea.

Friedrich Nietzsche.

Friedrich Nietzsche, a ruthless nonconformist, had an act for obliterating all the feel-good ideas that people had for themselves. And even though some of these...most of these, are quite cynical and pessimistic, which is normally not my way of thinking about life. However, I think that I agree with a lot of them. If you think about then, they kind of do make a lot of sense.

1. People who have given us their complete confidence believe that they have a right to ours. The inference is false, a gift confers no rights.

2. He that humbleth himself wishes to be exalted.

3. The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.

4. There are no facts, only interpretations.

5. Morality is but the herd-instinct in the individual.

6. No one talks more passionately about his rights than he who in the depths of his soul doubts whether he has any.

7. Without music, life would be a mistake.

8. Anyone who has declared someone else to be an idiot, a bad apple, is annoyed when it turns out in the end that he isn’t.

9. In large states public education will always be mediocre, for the same reason that in large kitchens the cooking is usually bad.

10. The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends.

11. A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.

12. We often refuse to accept an idea merely because the way in which it has been expressed is unsympathetic to us.

13. No victor believes in chance.

14. Convictions are more dangerous foes of truth than lies.

15. Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.

16. It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.

17. The essence of all beautiful art, all great art, is gratitude.

18. The future influences the present just as much as the past.

19. The most common lie is that which one tells himself; lying to others is relatively an exception.

20. I counsel you, my friends: Distrust all in whom the impulse to punish is powerful.

21. Rejoicing in our joy, not suffering over our suffering, is what makes someone a friend.

22. God is a thought who makes crooked all that is straight.

23. Success has always been a great liar.

24. Nothing on earth consumes a man more quickly than the passion of resentment.

25. What do you regard as most humane? To spare someone shame.

26. Whatever is done for love always occurs beyond good and evil.

27. When a hundred men stand together, each of them loses his mind and gets another one.

28. When one has a great deal to put into it a day has a hundred pockets.

29. Whoever despises himself nonetheless respects himself as one who despises.

30. All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth.

31. What is good? All that heightens the feeling of power, the will to power, power itself. What is bad? All that is born of weakness. What is happiness? The feeling that power is growing, that resistance is overcome.

32. Fear is the mother of morality.

33. A politician divides mankind into two classes: tools and enemies.

34. Everyone who has ever built anywhere a new heaven first found the power thereto in his own hell.

35. There is more wisdom in your body than in your deepest philosophy.

36. The mother of excess is not joy but joylessness.

37. The Kingdom of Heaven is a condition of the heart — not something that comes upon the earth or after death.

38. What is the mark of liberation? No longer being ashamed in front of oneself.

39. Glance into the world just as though time were gone: and everything crooked will become straight to you.

40. We should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once.

Speakin' the truth.

I say what I want to say. I am blunt. And I don't mean to offend people, and I don't mean to sounds absurd to anyone. It's just what I do. Like if I wanna talk about something provocative, Im gonna do it. I really have no shame. And most of the time I find that the people Im talking to are more than willing to join in on the convo.

Lessons learned in life: People love talking about sex.

ANYWHOOOO...

I believe people should be open and honest. Why lie?

I mean, the truth shouldn't be seen as such a goddamn scary thing. Sometimes it's not exactly what you wanna hear, and sometimes the truth lets you down a shit load...but I would take a million bad truths over a lie. Otherwise, you're kind of just living one big lie in speaking and believing in it.

Plus, it skips over a lot of unnecessary drama when you just say what's true.

People.

If there is one thing I'm sure of, it's that the one thing that will truly bring me happiness in life are the people that I surround myself with. My daily social interactions. My best friends, acquaintances, family, mentors, coworkers. The way I interact with them; over the phone, over lunch, over a drunken night, a day hike, or an early morning shift. I cannot express how much my mood is lifted when I am with these people.

I am a lover of conversation. I love it when people have something to say. Something they want to get off their chest, emotions they have been holding in. I will sit, lay, walk with you for hours just to hear what you have to say.

But at the same time, I do love talking. Not so much about myself, but more about my views and ideas. Sometimes I just feel like I have so much to say and not enough people to listen. Maybe that's why I blog. In hopes that others are taking in what I have to say, and understanding and relating.

The notion of not being alone in this life is happiness enough for me.

You can have all the money and material in this world, but if you don't have people, you don't have anything.

Living.

I know I'm young, and it's probably too early for me to think about getting old, but I do. I think it might be my job and having to be around the elderly a lot, or possibly the sudden load of adult-like responsibilities that I have recently attained. But getting older, I mean like reallllly old, scares me.

And I know that maybe it shouldn't scare me so much, because it's just part of life and ya just gotta do it. But when I'm eighty, I dont want to be shuffling around, going to go play pinnacle and eat applesauce with my senile, temperamental friends.

I feel like I always have to be going. All the time. Living life, seeing things, meeting people, taking risks. And just living. Because life really is so incredibly short. And maybe there is such a thing as having more than one life. But we only get one life in this body, with these surroundings, with these people and activities and opportunities. This is it. I want chaos and to feel things and witness things with my very eyes that will broaden my perspective and understanding of this world and all that surrounds me.

And I plan to keep going. For as long as I possibly can. Until I literally cannot go anymore. When I am bedridden, unable to move, then maybe I'll be ok with my friends coming over to play a round of pinnacle. But when Im old and getting down to my last years, I want to be ok with dying. I want to feel like I did everything that I possibly could in this lifetime.

Struggles.

I suppose it's inevitable, that things get worse before they get better.

I've never been the type of person that just got things handed to them. For almost everything that I have truly ever wanted in life, I have had to work for it. Which is something I honestly take pride in. I feel like I've learned a lot and gained much independence. Through working for what I want, I've grown up immensely. And I hope to keep working for things that I truly aspire to have in life.

But sometimes, it's really just kind of hard. Struggling to get by. Letting money stress me out so much. Not knowing about school, or any of my future for that matter. I didn't used to be like this. Money never stressed me out so much before. I never let it. But now, it's almost inevitable. It's so grown-up. I have grown up. And the truth is, I have big responsibilities now. Taking care of myself, my life and everything that goes along with it. And that makes one part of me really anxious and excited to be so independent, but it makes another part of me scared shitless.

But I'll just keep working. I may not have a set goal for my life, but I have an idea. And I know the last thing I want to do is move backwards when I have come so far.