Discombobulated.

It's interesting sometimes how one single person or one tiny event can consume the majority of our thoughts. For hours, days, weeks. And no matter what you do or try, you cant get it out of there. You just go over and over everything in your head until it's burned right into your brain. How it just devours every inch of thought that you have. Leaving the rest of your thoughts too exhausted to even try.

I ran again for the first time since I had hurt my hip. It was beautiful.

There is just nothing like running. It is so freeing and empowering and just awwhhhsldfjasl.

It gives me a high, like most runners get.

Swimming is all good and everything. And maybe it's because I have been swimming for the past five years of my life, but I just get bored with it after a while.

With running you get outside, fresh air, music, people, places, sweat.

I can't get enough.

Pity Party.

It's interesting to think about how often our moods change. How we can convince ourselves to feel alright for a little bit. But once that feeling is gone, the reality of things really lingers.

It always happens when I've been hanging out with friends, having a really good time. Conversation, laughter, cigarettes, food.

And then I go back to my place. And I'm alone. And I have nothing to do but think about things. To realize what's in front of me. What I have been in denial about this whole time.

God, it sucks.

So all I want to do is listen to emotionally draining music and cry.

Even though there is so much to be thankful for in life. And even though my life is paradise compared to so many others. And even though there is so much chaos and commotion on this earth.

Sometimes, I just want to have a pity party for myself.

Is that so bad?

It's ok. I'll get over it soon. My mind is everywhere.

"I used to see the night so anxious, but now I know. The only thing it ever taught me was a grand illusion that comes and goes."

Infinite Arms.

Band of Horses' new album "Infinite Arms" is SOOOO GOOD!

I just happened to be in Starbucks and one of their songs came on, and so I looked it up, and it brought me to the Band of Horses website where I listened to the entire album...and it is just beautiful!

I am now currently obsessed with the song "Blue Beard"

I just want to make out with someone to that song.

Anyways.

I have been in Starbucks for the past 2 hours. And am determined to stay here for 4 more hours until I have to go to work. Because I have to write this paper.

What else is new?

Same shit, different day.

Geez.

But only 2 more weeks of school. Then finals. Then SUMMMERRRR.

I have been awaiting thee for far too long.

Funny thing is though, it is still raining a dreadful amount in Portland. Even though it is the end of May. Good god. Someone just put a stop to this already.

Because of my great lack of sleep in the past week. My body is only surviving off of massive amounts of iced coffee. I have been neglecting my teas. But they just don't provide for me the caffeine that is so necessary at the time.

I promise, iced-venti-five-splenda-no-classic-green-tea, I will return to you soon. Know that I love you, and miss you so. Especially the cold condensation that you leave on my hands, and the refreshing feeling you leave in my throat.

Love, Hannah

Real life? Psh.

Ya know. Why can't people just live on a whim? Spontaneously? Like they do in movies. Where the man or the woman just picks up and moves across the world for someone. Or where they just decide to hitchhike across the country to the destination of their dreams.

Why does that have to be so unrealistic.

Im sick of people not doing what they want to do because of outside reasons. Like school or finances. What ever happened to following your heart and all?

I've always been a firm believe that if you want something that bad, then you will find a way to make it happen.

A spontaneous life would make for a much more exciting one, rather than a life of what you're supposed to do.

Ughh. I hope I don't become that way.

Spontaneity is definitely a delight.

Who say's my life cant be like a movie? Dammit.

Necessity.

Music is so much more than I could ever explain it to be.

It makes me feel. And move. And think.

It's like motion in the air. Forcing you to move along with it.

Sometimes it is dense, and sometimes light, and sometimes somewhere in between that.

It can switch a mood, in the room or within yourself, with just the push of a button.

Music, to me, makes everything better.

I wish I could have someone following me around playing songs that go along with whatever I am doing, matching my mood and my thoughts and actions.

I can't think of any activity or time of day that I wouldn't want to be listening to music. From the moment I wake up, to the moment I fall asleep, a song is being played.

Maybe its because I can't really stand the silence. But it's also because I love the emotions, and the memories that songs bring out.

The excitement over a discovery of a new song.

The picking out of every instrument a band uses.

The difference between recorded and live versions.

I can't get enough.

I also feel that every genre of music has something to give. You shouldn't be shut off from a song just because it's titled "country" or "punk"

They all got a lil' somethin somethin.

The feeling of being at a concert and having the music surround you so you can feel it vibrating into your veins. The energy and the excitement. The movement of the crowd. The hands moving with the beat.

I don't even know what it is that draws people to music in such a way. It's magic or something.

But what I do know is that it's beautiful, and to me, a necessity.

Mellowww.

I like sleeping in. And then not doing much all day.

It goes hand in hand with my sometimes highly unproductive life.

Especially when the weather is still hellacious.

Oh hey weekend, lets have some fun!

Spontaneous week day excitement is what I like.

I am the least graceful person ever, I have decided. I am constantly tripping, running into things, knocking things over.

I am often dysfunctional.

But honestly, its kind of funny. To me and to you.

Also, sure, I can be a lady.

But between you and me,

I think acting like a hillbilly/hippy is way more fun.

Failed Motivation.

Portland is funny. Like hilarious.

One minute its warm enough that I dont even need a sweater, and the next we are in the middle of a great downpour. Thunder and all.

It really just slays me.

Once again, I am failing at being productive. I've spent the past three hours watching a documentary, and then Glee.

But now I am in Starbucks, I know, surprising.

And I was about to start writing my paper. But then I realized that I forgot the assignment sheet in my room. So now I am blogging.

And after this I am going to go blog on my school project:

thegreenestkidsyouknow.blogspot.com

^^Go follow that. And comment on it. And be awesome.

Thanks.

Vienna.

You know, Billy Joel really knew what he was talking about when he wrote "Vienna."

That song just doesn't get old to me.

"Slow down, you crazy child

You're so ambitious for a juvenile."

^^I can relate.

I am very in my own head this week. It's interesting, ya know. To get into your brain and dig around for while. You realize some things you hadn't before.

I've also been on a documentary craze. I can't stop watching them. In the past week I have watched "Born in the Brothels" and "This Emotional Life" and I just started watching "Loose Change."

They're all great. I love them. I am entertained and learning things at the same time! Just another thing to add to my list of what makes me the biggest nerd ever.

Summer is coming.

Come sooner. Come sooner. Comer sooner.

Weekend in Seattle.

Friday after class, we all road tripped it up to Washington where we stayed at our friends house. On an island. In the Puget Sound. Ahhhhmazing. So beautiful and so nice to get away.

On Saturday, me, Korey, and Hannah road tripped some more to the heart of Seattle where we experienced Pike's Place Market [where there was a wine and cheese festival going on. Sweet.] and then we took the Monorail to the space needle. And instead of spending $15 to go up the space needle, Korey paid $6 for us all to ride a child sized, rickety roller coaster at the Fun Forest carnival that was going on. Thrilling? I think so. We also went to the original Starbucks. We all about wet out pants.

Then we ventured back to the house for a night of fun with the family. Another outrageous event of the weekend.

Overall, it was an awesome weekend. Really nice to get out of Portland for a while.

Next mission: Finishing up the last few weeks of school. Heading home to Cali for a lil' while. Then spending the rest of the summer in Portland. CANNOT WAIT.

HELP ME WITH SCHOOL!

My friend Sterling and I are working on a blog for our Sustainability class right now.

It is all about sustainability in pop culture today and the effect that the media has on influencing society into living a greener, more conscious lifestyle.

It's interesting shtuff.

Check it:

http://thegreenestkidsyouknow.blogspot.com/

Also, if you wanna be REALLYREALLYREALLY awesome. You should promote our blog on your blog. Because we want a good grade. Andddd you'll be helping teach others about sustainability! It's practically a win-win situation, and, there's always lots to learn!

Thanks!

Soraya M.

Oh boy.

So today I watched the movie "The Stoning of Soraya M."

And honestly, I have never cried so hard in a movie. Possible in my life.

Like, I will occasionally shed a tear here and there, but I was literally SOBBING.

This movie just really hit me somewhere. It's just terrible what goes on in the world. And the fact that it is based off of a true story just adds to the effect so much more.

I feel as though I am somewhat of a feminist. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I mean, seriously, I feel that throughout the world and through history women have gotten the short end of the stick more than enough times. And it's just awful to me that even today, with all of the advances that we have made in history, women are still degraded, stepped on, and thought of as useless and a burden.

Ya know, women can be badasses too. Have you ever watched Ellen DeGenerous? Or met my Sustainability professor, Barbara Brower?

And this is in no way an attack on men. I mean men are great, awesome. I love em! Maybe they deserve more credit too.

Why can't people just be treated well based on the people that they are, rather than their outwards appearances and society's standards?

Jeez.

hmm. it's oook.

Sometimes, it's ok to sleep through all of your classes on a Tuesday.

It's alright to spend the entire half of your Monday with your friends adventuring around Portland instead of writing your papers and doing your projects.

It is MOST DEFINITELY ok to get an A on your history midterm, when you were expecting a C.

It's just fine to sit with the Starbucks baristas on their lunch break while you're waiting for your ride to pick you up.

It's pretty alright to be so impatient to get an apartment that you rent the very first one you look at.

I suppose it's not that bad that I haven't done any laundry in three weeks, and my clothes are exploded throughout my room. And I have very few clean choices left.

It's ok that the one person that I choose to call when I am bored most of the time is my mom.

My week of extreme productivity.

I am so effing focused this week.

DETERMINED to git shit done.

Gonna not procrastinate. Get everything done for the weekend.

Because this weekend we're roadtrippin' it to SEATTLE!

Cannot wait for this weekend of greatness. It'll be good to get out.

Trekked it through downtown P-Town today with Erica and Korey to turn in our applications for our APARTMENT!

So excited to move out of the dorms and into an apartment with my own room. and a living room with a couch. and a kitchen!

I cannot say it enough; I have the best people in my life.

Exhaustion.

Pictures from Korey's birthday party on Saturday. Obviously, we don't mess around when it comes to birthdays.

This weekend was definitely put to some good use.

Downside; it has taken a toll on me, physically and mentally.

But it's ok, nothin' I can't handle.

But seriously, I am living off of 3 hours of sleep and 7 and a half hours of work with a paper to write and the whole Communist Manifesto to read. And the website that I need to send in my paper by midnight is not coming up because the server is busy. Good god.

I just want to watch me some Glee and go to bed.

I have been so thought provoked this week. It's weird. For some reason, I feel like a lot of my insecurities are being brought up. And I feel vulnerable. I don't like it.

But I'm sure that will pass.

The songs Videotape by Radiohead

As well as Wagon Wheel by Old Crow Medicine Show,

are on repeat as we speak.

Also, that's my mom, the one in the green. And that's my aunt next to her. Happy Mother's Day to the both of you. You are both beautiful women who have taught me more than my whole thirteen years of schooling has. Thanks for showing me how to be alive.

Strangers.

As we all know, I like talking to strangers.

Last night I talked to a guy who was stranded downtown and needed a phone. So I let him use my phone and bummed him some cigarettes and we talked for a long time...and then he bought me beer! And then he hit on me.

Keep in mind he is thirty.

Cant guys just be ok with platonic relationships?

Why is it always assumed we want more?

I mean, do I come off as a ho? I just like to be friendly and talk to people. If anything, I feel like I act like a really big dork. I am like TERRIBLE at flirting.

Whatevs.

Essays and Birthdays.

Five pages done. Three more to go. And a bibliography.

I have two hours.

I can do this.

Thank the good lord it is Friday.

This weekend should be filled with loads of festivities seeing as it is one of my best friend Korey's birthday!

Birthdays are just great. I think it is highly important to make sure that that entire weekend [if not entire week] is just filled with goodness and excitement and giddiness.

Big Band themed party for her on Saturday. CANNOT WAIT!

Wasting Time.

In the past few days, the subject of me being a positive person has gotten brought up a lot in conversation for some reason. Not to sound conceded or anything, but I often get a lot of praise from being such a positive person. And today, a friend asked me how I became that way; to have that mindset.

My response was, "Hell if I know how I turned out this way!"

But then I got to thinking. About the way that I see things.

And I guess I see it that there are SO many things in our lives and other's lives and this entire world that are so wrong and disastrous and depressing, but at the same time, there is just so much good. All around us, all the time.

It's just a matter of perspective. What we choose to see. What we allow ourselves to accept.

I feel like people shouldn't dwell on things. They shouldn't hold grudges. They shouldn't be held back or weighed down by daily stresses or negative emotions.

I see that as just a waste of time.

Although, at the same time, this is one of my faults. There have been a lot of instances in my life where I should have seen things as a bigger deal. Put more thought into certain situations.

It surprises me when I talk to someone about something that I don't see as a big deal, but then they think that it is. It makes me almost feel like I am numb to those types of feelings. Of feeling remorse and sadness and anger.

It's true, I am a happy kid. But happiness isn't the only thing that a human should feel.

Drank.

I was going through my pictures and found an array of alcoholic beverages. Maybe we drink too much. Ha!

We're young, we can afford it.

Although last night was the first time I think EVER that I gave up a night of partying in order to do my homework. Seriously, weird.

Maybe I am getting my priorities straight? Finally.

Selfish thoughts.

I wish that simple things wouldn't be so complicated.

I wish that I could just say what I wanted to say and do what I wanted to do. All the time.

And people would just be cooperative, and go along with me.

That is such a selfish thing to want, I know.

But it would just be so much easier.

"Well did I ask too much? More than a lot? You gave me nothing and now that's all I got."

Just two lost souls swimmin' in a fish bowl.

I did not go to class today, in order to write my paper. But honestly, I would rather just be sleeping.

I am still writing the paper on whales. Wretched whales that wade in the waters of this world. I am so delirious that I am making up alliterations.

I watched Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas for the first time. Not what I expected, but very good. I recommend it. I laughed, a lot.

I feel lighter. It is good to get things off your chest.

.

I don't want to change. I just want to grow.

Just listen.

Sometimes people surprise me.

Like just when I think they are hopeless and arrogant and DUMB, they just throw something out there that makes me reconsider them. I think I am sometimes too quick to come to conclusions about people.

People are complex. As Shrek would say, they are like onions...lots of layers. And it is just absolutely impossible to just know someone after talking to them a few times. Even after talking to them many times! Hell, I am still learning new things about my best friends and family. About why they are the way they are, and how they see things.

Everyone deserves a chance. And most of they time, they just want someone to listen to them.

I'd like to think I'm a good listener. I like being the one that people come to when they want to talk, or when they just need someone to listen to. I like to think that I am someone that people feel they can trust.

I am a professional secret keeper, and I give alright advice.

my life be like.

These people know what the fuck is up.

"The joy of new birth and the pain of growing up.

The bliss between giving my all and giving up."

Also this one:

"The enemy is really myself
The enemy is what really need help
Somebody help"

Analyzing.

I am sick of having to analyze everything.

It's true, girls do analyze wayyyy too much.

And I honestly don't feel like I, myself analyze that much. I just hang out with people who do. I, most of the time, just do what I want to do and don't really think about the consequences.

I don't know if that's selfish. Or stupid. Or admirable?

I just find it to be SO frustrating when people feel the need to think and re-think how other people are going to react to something so simple as a text message or a facebook comment.

Seriously, who cares?

I think that people should do what they want. And say what they want to say. And not be scared of how the other person if going to react. Or if they're going to mess things up. I mean, if you want something that bad that you're willing to sit around and analyze every aspect of it for hours, then you should just damn do it.

By the way. This post is so hypocritical of me. Ha!

Sounding so good to me today:

The Beatles, ACDC, and Lil Wayne.

Side note:

So ready to try new things. Sometimes, I just hesitate.

Whoa.

I have never woken up at 6:30 in the morning after partying the night before and wanted to go swimming so bad.

Swimming is the best hangover cure. Even though I don't get hungover [yet] i definitely get groggy.

I embarrass myself far too often.