B-U-D-D-Y.

Found this song on my itunes a while back. So beautiful.

I've also been listening to this song for a few weeks now...and just today I realized its about penis...or maybe sperm? Possibly sex or masturbation? Wikipedia says "Buddy" means "Body." Whatever it is, it's inappropriate. And I like it.

Cravings.

I want to be able to wake up and go places.

And not just any places like work or the mall or Starbucks.

Places that matter. And I don't think I even mean real, physical places. But places in my mind and emotions as well. I yearn for knowledge and experience.

I have this constant craving for movement and change.

I continue to possess a lust for new realizations.

And although I am thankful for this life I lead now. I feel it is not enough. I am not yet satisfied with my day to day routine. And maybe that's just it. Maybe my life has become routine. Scheduled.

Bluntly put, I think I may be in a rut.

Well, I aint always right, but I've never been wrong.

Why does everyone feel the need to define things? Why is it so important to put labels on other people and relationships and yourself? Is it a security thing? Like I honestly just don't understand it. Things should just be the way they are. In that moment. With yourself or with someone else. Because I feel like labels and definitions put a restraint on things. And I don't like to be held back.

A few mornings ago I woke up with this line in my head and it's been stuck there ever since. I think it's a sign. Or just a damn good song. Either, or.

"Once in a while you get shown the light,

In the strangest of places if you look at it right."

--Scarlet Begonias, Grateful Dead.

Scatterbrained.

People always have something to say. And when you have something to say, it's always appreciated when there's someone to listen.

I've come to realize that if I really focus on something that I don't really like or care for, but other people do, then I begin to understand why they love it. And it makes me appreciate it a little more.

Even though there are lots of bratty, obnoxious, annoying children out there, I have to remember that it's not their fault that they have turned out that way.

Although it is highly valued, a comfortable life can also be a boring one.

I really love the idea of being someone that can make an impact on others.

I have been sleeping too much, and I am starting to feel wasteful of these summer days, so Im setting my alarm.

I've been thinking about how I used to take piano lessons, and how I wish I could have stuck with it for longer than two or three years, or however long it was.

I will make an honest effort to never take my frustrations out on the innocent people around me just because it's convenient.

This blog is so much for myself, I have come to realize. It's nice to know people read it. But more than that it's like a canal of freedom for my thoughts. And I don't feel embarrassed or ashamed when I post things here, and I don't feel the need to impress anyone. It's like a journal...only public. Which is kind of exhilarating in a way.

This post is just an obvious statement to how unorganized my brain has become.

Giving in.

Billie Holiday sometimes...actually, like all the time...melts my lil' heart. Bless her soul.

I am awaiting the arrival of my roommate's new television she is currently purchasing. We were supposed to be strong, and live without a television and without paying for internet. Live the cheap, easy life. Steal internet from Starbucks. Read instead of watch movies.

Nope.

Definitely getting a TV.

Definitely paying for internet next month.

Can you blame us?

We have become addicts of the redbox movie rentals. And watching them on our laptop screens just got kind of old.

Bring on the big screen.

My Porcelain Sanctuary.

Ya wanna know one of my guilty pleasures?

Baths.

They are not environmentally friendly...but I could give two shits.

Just laying enclosed within porcelain walls, naked body engulfed in warm water, in the calm and privacy of the bathroom. Mellow music playing quiet enough that it relaxes me, but loud enough that I can hear it when my ears are submerged.

I can think about everything in a bathtub, or if I so choose, I don't have to think about anything.

As silly as it sounds, to me it's safety and sanctuary.

Baths are therapeutic.

Actually, now that Im thinking about it, really any body of water seems therapeutic to me. This weekend I was at Detroit Lake, and just staring out at something so serene and natural and smooth is comforting to me. Laying on my back in a cold swimming pool and letting the density of the chlorine infested water keep me afloat is so calming to me. But even swimming in the ocean with giant waves crashing over my head is somehow comforting as well. I have a connection with water. It's a part of me; we flow together. I feel all humans are meant to have some sort of connection with the water. I mean, it does cover a shit load of this earth. It's all around us. It's what's keeping us alive. Some people are just hesitant to the currents it provides, or maybe it's mystic depths. If you haven't, I encourage you to just let it take you, the water. Be one with it, move along with it's ripples and waves. If you let it, it can make you feel light and free and almost superhuman.

In 30 Seconds We'll Be Ninety.

Lately, I've been writing a lot. Long paragraphs, thoughtful words. And then I find myself deleting it all and closing out the window. Something about what I've had to say lately just isn't really me. I would feel dishonest posting it.

This is the first thing I've written in a while that feels right and true and honest.

Your voice and it's simplicity,

Your eyes and their sincerity.

The way you take the time to speak with me

And close your lids to picture what I see.

Our laughs, out loud; hysterically.

Your spoken words said honestly.

The way we whisper "just let it be."

And answer back ecstatically.

When this earth is orbiting crazily,

I look to you, you look to me.

No one has ever made me feel as free

As your heart beating so rapidly.

When we're in the sea

Home free

Our breath in and out so clearly,

Our ocean waves so viciously

Attack our bodies, somehow lovingly

Embracing us, so motherly.

Swallowing us wholly.

Until this space around us so openly

Provides us with utmost clarity.

Which can remove all doubt, dangerously.

Yet replace our Autumn motives, thankfully.

And we're just moving right now, daily

You there, and here me

Our minds creating connectivity.

Thoughts sparking simultaneously.

Strange happenings, unintentionally.

You told me so non-challantly

That in 30 seconds we'll be ninety.

This time is passing too hastily,

But by slowing it we would mistakingly

Be altering our lives, our mortality.

We've got to keep up, running hurriedly

You in my face, our backs to the sea.

I've never trusted someone so whole heartedly.

And said words out loud so bluntly

But meant them oh so sharply.

You're making me a cynic.

I dont like it when people aren't appreciated.

Im not gonna preach or anything...

but...

Good people shouldn't be taken for granted.

Or taken advantage of.

Or stepped on.

You unknowingly leave your mark,

Like a rug with an L-shaped imprint due to the leg of the coffee table always pressing down.

It's easier than you think

To just show someone you care.

Or to take a second to return the favor.

Possibly take a step back

And realize that someone is arbitrarily taking time and thought to make your life better.

I don't understand you all.

Not one bit.

Maybe that makes me a hypocrite.

Whatever.

Just stop thinking you're entitled.

Stop walking in one direction, expecting everyone to follow.

If you keep acting this way,

Before long, you'll be walking alone.

And Im gonna have a really hard time feeling sorry for you.

Friends, lovers, and soul mates.

You wanna know what sorta blows my mind?

The idea that out of all the people on this big, giant, overpopulated earth, so many of us are able to some how, some way, discover our best friends. Our soul mates. Someone that you can relate to and connect with on a level that you can't find with anyone else.

People that you know are gonna be in your life for a long time. Possibly your whole life.

That's really something to hold on to.

I love, love, love those people in your life that you have known for a while. And you don't see them for like six months or sometimes an entire year, or maybe longer and you do finally see them and it's like you were never apart. You just pick right back up where you left off. Everything just naturally falls back into place again.

I hate trying to force things. Sometimes I feel like Im in denial, and try to hold onto people that have been gone for a long time. It's natural, I guess. People change, experience different things, mold into different lifestyles. And eventually you stop relating, slowly talk less, and eventually just stop all together. As much as that kind of depresses me, I feel like it's something I just have to accept. It's sort of hard though.

I really do just hate losing touch.

I live in Starbucks.

You know what I do a lot? Crack myself up.

Funny? Annoying? A sign of insanity? I don't know. Don't really care either.

BUT there is this middle aged man that works at my job, and he always laughs at everything I say.

Laughing at me? Laughing with me? I don't know. Don't care.

The point is, I make him laugh. And that honestly kind of boosts my self esteem.

Currently reading: One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest - Ken Kesey.

Seriously, good stuff. If you've never read it, read it now. Probs my fav of this summer's readings so far.

Found this picture. Something about it...I really love it.

jhnmyr.tumblr.com.

Woooaaahhhkay.

So one of my good ol' friends from back home in the VTA introduced me to John Mayer's tumblr.

jhnmyr.tumblr.com

Even if he does come off as kind of an arrogant asshole on TV or on the radio, he really does have some pretty awesome things to say...like this:

"Is your boyfriend cute? Was Hurt Locker the best movie of the year? Are you going to go out in those shoes? Should you take the promotion and move to Boston? Did I wear “Hammer” pants on stage in Houston or is Rick Owens a visionary clothing designer?

It all depends on who you ask.

Which is a pretty great reason to stop asking all together. Nobody’s life template will ever lay evenly over yours. And in those times when they clash completely, you have to walk alone, with confidence that you’re creating your own template, made out of your own instincts and your own dreams and your own goals. And if you do it long enough, maybe someone someday will look to yours as the life to model theirs after. Of course, some people won’t agree with them. It will all depend on who they ask.

JM."

Rant on Religion.

THOUGHT OF THE DAY AS I WAS LIFEGUARDING:

Would if there was no religion?

I decided that it would not be a good thing if there was no religion. As much as it causes controversy, I feel like the world would just be chaos without it. Religion gives people a sense of security, the feeling of a community, and exceptions to things that they have no control over. Religion is like a giant umbrella of safety. Although people may not understand it, it helps them in so many ways. And without religion, we may not have several of the very important values and beliefs that we do today. So, I feel like people shouldn't go bashing on all religion everywhere, before really taking a good look into what religion is all about.

Everyone has a difference of opinion, and we were all raised differently in separate homes, growing up learning different morals and beliefs. What may seem right to one person could be completely blasphemous to another. We cant help the differences that fall upon us all. One thing I wish that we could all see, though, is that this world would be so much better off if we could all just gain some perspective. That right there, is what it's all about. Perspective. If we could see where we were all coming from. If we took a moment to think about what others have been through. If we didn't always judge so quickly. If we could just be okay with each other's differences, and accept what is not the same, I think that would be a tremendously effective idea. I mean, think about, what do people normally fight over? Differences.

Geez. Sorry for this random rant of thoughts. I've been lifeguarding a lot lately, which gives me oodles of time to think. Soooo...yea.

Scenic World.

It seriously is all about this song. All about Beirut. So good.

If you like this, I also suggest "Elephant Gun" and "Nantes"

Its just a unique sound to me. All the instruments and his voice and the lyrics. It's honest.

Friedrich Nietzsche.

Friedrich Nietzsche, a ruthless nonconformist, had an act for obliterating all the feel-good ideas that people had for themselves. And even though some of these...most of these, are quite cynical and pessimistic, which is normally not my way of thinking about life. However, I think that I agree with a lot of them. If you think about then, they kind of do make a lot of sense.

1. People who have given us their complete confidence believe that they have a right to ours. The inference is false, a gift confers no rights.

2. He that humbleth himself wishes to be exalted.

3. The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.

4. There are no facts, only interpretations.

5. Morality is but the herd-instinct in the individual.

6. No one talks more passionately about his rights than he who in the depths of his soul doubts whether he has any.

7. Without music, life would be a mistake.

8. Anyone who has declared someone else to be an idiot, a bad apple, is annoyed when it turns out in the end that he isn’t.

9. In large states public education will always be mediocre, for the same reason that in large kitchens the cooking is usually bad.

10. The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends.

11. A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.

12. We often refuse to accept an idea merely because the way in which it has been expressed is unsympathetic to us.

13. No victor believes in chance.

14. Convictions are more dangerous foes of truth than lies.

15. Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.

16. It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.

17. The essence of all beautiful art, all great art, is gratitude.

18. The future influences the present just as much as the past.

19. The most common lie is that which one tells himself; lying to others is relatively an exception.

20. I counsel you, my friends: Distrust all in whom the impulse to punish is powerful.

21. Rejoicing in our joy, not suffering over our suffering, is what makes someone a friend.

22. God is a thought who makes crooked all that is straight.

23. Success has always been a great liar.

24. Nothing on earth consumes a man more quickly than the passion of resentment.

25. What do you regard as most humane? To spare someone shame.

26. Whatever is done for love always occurs beyond good and evil.

27. When a hundred men stand together, each of them loses his mind and gets another one.

28. When one has a great deal to put into it a day has a hundred pockets.

29. Whoever despises himself nonetheless respects himself as one who despises.

30. All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth.

31. What is good? All that heightens the feeling of power, the will to power, power itself. What is bad? All that is born of weakness. What is happiness? The feeling that power is growing, that resistance is overcome.

32. Fear is the mother of morality.

33. A politician divides mankind into two classes: tools and enemies.

34. Everyone who has ever built anywhere a new heaven first found the power thereto in his own hell.

35. There is more wisdom in your body than in your deepest philosophy.

36. The mother of excess is not joy but joylessness.

37. The Kingdom of Heaven is a condition of the heart — not something that comes upon the earth or after death.

38. What is the mark of liberation? No longer being ashamed in front of oneself.

39. Glance into the world just as though time were gone: and everything crooked will become straight to you.

40. We should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once.

Speakin' the truth.

I say what I want to say. I am blunt. And I don't mean to offend people, and I don't mean to sounds absurd to anyone. It's just what I do. Like if I wanna talk about something provocative, Im gonna do it. I really have no shame. And most of the time I find that the people Im talking to are more than willing to join in on the convo.

Lessons learned in life: People love talking about sex.

ANYWHOOOO...

I believe people should be open and honest. Why lie?

I mean, the truth shouldn't be seen as such a goddamn scary thing. Sometimes it's not exactly what you wanna hear, and sometimes the truth lets you down a shit load...but I would take a million bad truths over a lie. Otherwise, you're kind of just living one big lie in speaking and believing in it.

Plus, it skips over a lot of unnecessary drama when you just say what's true.

Recent thoughts.

Lots of lil' realizations:

1. Every single Starbucks ever has free wifi. And green tea. Which makes it like the best place ever.
2. Joe's Crab Shack has dank crab. Obviously, they should. But sometimes names can be misleading, so this is just to clarify.
3. At least three nights out of these summer weeks, I am a drunken hooligan.
4. My body despises clothes in this 85/90 degree weather. Which is fine for me...not so fine for my roommate.
5. The reason why I love teaching swim lessons: It is actually acceptable for me to act like a child.
6. One of the top reasons I love Portland: All the bridges back and forth over the river.
7. I have become more of a green tea addict than ever before. My mouth literally craves it the moment I wake up. Like it's programed into my brain. Sad? Or AWESOME?

Thats all for now. I do believe that my life is funny. Like weird things happen to me daily. Hilarious situations. I like it that way. Beats boring, ya know?

1997.

I used to eat grass and dirt

And played pretend

And stained my shirt.

And I didn't care

When something got lost

Because I was too busy observing

All the dew and the frost.

And I always ran with bare feet

In the neighbor's backyard

And all through the the street.

Then when the rain came down

There were no umbrellas

No complaining, no frowns

but Excitement

With the thunder claps

and hiding in a cave of sheets

Drawing our own treasure maps.

I didn't need something special

just to have a good time

Acting like a lunatic

wasn't such a crime.

I wasn't blowing smoke

To keep from going insane

It was just me.

Just me and my brain.

And it wasn't so clear to me

That those years ago

I was more free.

More free then, I suppose

I ever again will be.

Haikus to 99 degrees.

Naked body thinks

It is too hot for clothing

Even in the night.

This warmth is blissful

Please stay this way forever

I despise the cold.

This sunlight beaming

On my body and my soul

Bursting everywhere.

People.

If there is one thing I'm sure of, it's that the one thing that will truly bring me happiness in life are the people that I surround myself with. My daily social interactions. My best friends, acquaintances, family, mentors, coworkers. The way I interact with them; over the phone, over lunch, over a drunken night, a day hike, or an early morning shift. I cannot express how much my mood is lifted when I am with these people.

I am a lover of conversation. I love it when people have something to say. Something they want to get off their chest, emotions they have been holding in. I will sit, lay, walk with you for hours just to hear what you have to say.

But at the same time, I do love talking. Not so much about myself, but more about my views and ideas. Sometimes I just feel like I have so much to say and not enough people to listen. Maybe that's why I blog. In hopes that others are taking in what I have to say, and understanding and relating.

The notion of not being alone in this life is happiness enough for me.

You can have all the money and material in this world, but if you don't have people, you don't have anything.

Living.

I know I'm young, and it's probably too early for me to think about getting old, but I do. I think it might be my job and having to be around the elderly a lot, or possibly the sudden load of adult-like responsibilities that I have recently attained. But getting older, I mean like reallllly old, scares me.

And I know that maybe it shouldn't scare me so much, because it's just part of life and ya just gotta do it. But when I'm eighty, I dont want to be shuffling around, going to go play pinnacle and eat applesauce with my senile, temperamental friends.

I feel like I always have to be going. All the time. Living life, seeing things, meeting people, taking risks. And just living. Because life really is so incredibly short. And maybe there is such a thing as having more than one life. But we only get one life in this body, with these surroundings, with these people and activities and opportunities. This is it. I want chaos and to feel things and witness things with my very eyes that will broaden my perspective and understanding of this world and all that surrounds me.

And I plan to keep going. For as long as I possibly can. Until I literally cannot go anymore. When I am bedridden, unable to move, then maybe I'll be ok with my friends coming over to play a round of pinnacle. But when Im old and getting down to my last years, I want to be ok with dying. I want to feel like I did everything that I possibly could in this lifetime.

Seriously?

Ok, ya'll can just scratch that last post. Because it's July, right? WRONG. It's raining.

Bullshit, I say.