Where is my mind?

All of a sudden, I've attained some sort of clarity.

Something that I was expecting to make me feel hurt and let down, ended up making me feel the exact opposite; relieved and wonderful.

And after all was said and done, I ended up learning a lot about myself. Even though the event was rather insignificant.

I just never know what to expect. From others or from myself. I have no control over my thoughts anymore or the way I perceive things. It just happens. Before I even realize what's going on.

Not a whole lot makes sense these days, but I guess Im ok with that.

I think I'm in the process of searching for something that I lost. I'm not whole right now. But I'm not completely fallen apart either. I'm floating.

The I-think-too-much-about-things-sometimes syndrome.

I do this thing every once in a while where I somehow cause my brain to get all tangled up in my thoughts. And then my thoughts get all tangled up in my throat and move down into my chest then hastily out to all four of my limbs. And before I know it, my entire being is twisted up in the chaos of all these feelings I'm having. And I feel like such a girl. Being all complicated and shit.

And then I remember that nothing is really as complicated as so many of us make it out to be.

Or maybe I'm just being in denial of how complicated things actually are.

I don't know.

Either way, it works, at least for a little while.

And my body and my mind are freed from my tangled mess of emotions.

And sometimes I eat chocolate. And although it's not quite as effective or long lasting, it helps too.

Centered and thoughtful.

Today I watched a spider through my bedroom window. It was spinning it's web. And I just stared at it, completely enthralled. Watching as it so thoughtlessly jumped with it's eight crawling legs from strand to strand of it's self made thread, carefully creating it's temporary home.

It's funny how fears can be so muted when separated by a thin sheet of glass.

It's funny how such subtle protection can be so comforting.

It's funny how we can be so afraid of something so small in the first place.

Now that spider sits, peaceful, in the center of it's creation. Where I can look at it, contemplative, through the center of my window.

Walking.

Due to my lack of an automobile, I spend a lot of my time walking. And I go back and forth about walking. Obviously, there are going to be times where I am extremely lazy, and walking a mile seems like a great deal of an effort. But there are several times where I don't mind it at all, and see it as a chance to be outside and get a little exercise.

So today, I was walking to work to go workout before my shift started, and I was thinking about walking, while I was walking...you follow?

And I was thinking about how usually people don't walk places because:

A) They don't have the time

B) They're too lazy

C) The weather is not proper for walking

So they own cars. And when you're in a car, you're comfy and you've got your radio and the windows down and the breeze, or the windows up with the heater, right? However, what can you do while you're driving? Nothing. You stay on the road and follow the lines and the signs and the lights.

When you walk you are free to move about however you wish. You can cross paths and boundaries. Sidewalks are just a guideline. You can climb over rocks or through forest. You can change your pace as you'd like. Plus, you take your time, you look at the things around you. And because walking takes no thought, your mind is free to be filled with whatever you want. It's a chance for you to explore. Not only physically but also mentally.

I may very well be taking this whole walking thing a bit too far, but I like the idea. And when I know I have to walk somewhere, I make sure I have enough time. So I never really feel like I'm in a hurry to get to my destination. I just stroll along with my thoughts and sometimes my music. Think about if people weren't always in a hurry, which Americans are notorious for always being.

I should write a book about how to be under stressed. People may benefit.

Byrd.

There's this girl that I've known since ninth grade. She is sunshine. And we've had this strange relationship. Although we went to the same school for four years, we never really hung out outside of class, and we wouldn't really talk on the phone or anything like that. We weren't each other's go-to people. But when the timing was right and we ended up in the same place at the same time, it was like we had known each other our whole lives. Truths and secrets could spill out of us with such ease and comfort, and we wouldn't judge each other. We would only offer support. And although our lives were so different, and we were at such opposite places, we understood each other in this strange, abstract way. Unexplainable.

And just tonight, after not talking for over a year, I get a text message, and before you know it we're talking like we haven't been away for a minute. That quality in friends is something that I appreciate so much. It really doesn't come around that often. Someone that listens and accepts and loves you. Unconditionally. Despite the time you've spent apart. I mean, sometimes family members don't even do that. And for someone to just go out of the way of their own hectic life to display that sort of kindness towards another is kind of a big deal.

I don't know if everyone realizes it when they have someone like that in their lives. I just realized this tonight. After five years. Brilliant shit this is.

I remember one time we were sitting on the grass and she was having trouble with her parents and she didn't want to be connected to them anymore by her last name. So I unofficially changed her last name to Byrd. Bird with a y, just to spice it up. I told her I did it because she deserves to be free, and that she has such potential to fly.

Different levels.

Brand new respect for bubble bears and beta fish.

My admiration for Jimi Hendrix has been rejuvenated, and I feel I will never see a sky the same way.

I have a new fascination for plumbing supply stores as well as top floors of hospital parking garages.

Connections made, ties broken.

This might make no sense to you. Just go with it.

Morning clarity.

I have been opening at work twice a week and due to my lack of transportation, I have been walking at 5:15 in the morning to get there. At first I was dreading this, but there's something about it that I really enjoy. Walking that early in the dark of the morning, where barely any cars are on the road and I am free to jaywalk. There is silence in this early hour and because my day has barely started, my brain is just beginning to function, and there is a certain clarity that comes to me. Lately there has been a cool wind lapping at my face as I walk, balancing out the heat my body generates from my legs moving so briskly. I wish I could wake up that early every morning and not be tired throughout my day. But at this time in my life, there are far too many late nights of fun to have the strength to awaken myself that early everyday.

Patience.

I would call myself a patient person. I don't get easily irritated when I've gotta wait on someone or something. Usually there isn't much you can do about it, so why get annoyed? But when something is just taking so long, longer than you expected. It's hard to be so patient and understanding. And then I do get irritated and annoyed. Even though there still isn't anything I can do about it.

It's a vicious cycle.

One of the kind, kind people that I rode back from Berkeley with burned me some music off her computer on the drive. On it she included the whole Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros album. Saw them at Outside Lands. Seriously, just the best. So obsessed with them right now. Every song. They're coming to Portland September 2nd and 3rd. And Im going, even if I have to go by myself. They're that good. Go listen.

A cabin in the woods.

I wish I could just take all my money and things and give it away. And retreat into the woods. And live. Away from everything.

And yeah, maybe I would be in denial of this whole crazy world and my responsibilities and the people and places I left behind. And maybe I would get lonely.

But sometimes, this world is just too overwhelming. And instead of being brave and facing it. I just want to run away.

I'm pouting. I realize this.

Influence.

Someone can have so much more power and influence than they were ever conscious of.

Our words and actions can sway an opinion or open a mind.

Behaviors and expressions may possibly have the potential to control those around us.

We should be aware of this. Of the influence that we may have on those we are surrounded by.

Because these changes that we make in others may not be for the best.

We should make a conscious effort to make sure that they are.

Ishmael.

I finished One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest...finally. Awesome. One of the themes in the book seemed to be the power of laughter. Which I really loved a lot. Here are some quotes I pulled:

"Man, when you lose your laugh, you lose your footing."

"Because he knows that you have to laugh at the things that hurt you just to keep yourself in balance, just to keep the world from running you plumb crazy."

I would place this book in my top fifteen favorites.

My new read is Ishmael, by Daniel Quinn. It was recommended to me by a coworker, he told me it changed his perspective about a lot of things. I like it when books make you do that. Im only about forty pages in, but so far it's really making me think. It mentioned the phrase "post hoc, ergo propter hoc" Which is Latin for "after this, therefore because of this." Which makes sense when you think about it. How events in our lives are all sort of connected, and a current situation that we're in may not be happening if it was not for the prior event. Does that make sense?

Cravings.

I want to be able to wake up and go places.

And not just any places like work or the mall or Starbucks.

Places that matter. And I don't think I even mean real, physical places. But places in my mind and emotions as well. I yearn for knowledge and experience.

I have this constant craving for movement and change.

I continue to possess a lust for new realizations.

And although I am thankful for this life I lead now. I feel it is not enough. I am not yet satisfied with my day to day routine. And maybe that's just it. Maybe my life has become routine. Scheduled.

Bluntly put, I think I may be in a rut.

Scatterbrained.

People always have something to say. And when you have something to say, it's always appreciated when there's someone to listen.

I've come to realize that if I really focus on something that I don't really like or care for, but other people do, then I begin to understand why they love it. And it makes me appreciate it a little more.

Even though there are lots of bratty, obnoxious, annoying children out there, I have to remember that it's not their fault that they have turned out that way.

Although it is highly valued, a comfortable life can also be a boring one.

I really love the idea of being someone that can make an impact on others.

I have been sleeping too much, and I am starting to feel wasteful of these summer days, so Im setting my alarm.

I've been thinking about how I used to take piano lessons, and how I wish I could have stuck with it for longer than two or three years, or however long it was.

I will make an honest effort to never take my frustrations out on the innocent people around me just because it's convenient.

This blog is so much for myself, I have come to realize. It's nice to know people read it. But more than that it's like a canal of freedom for my thoughts. And I don't feel embarrassed or ashamed when I post things here, and I don't feel the need to impress anyone. It's like a journal...only public. Which is kind of exhilarating in a way.

This post is just an obvious statement to how unorganized my brain has become.

My Porcelain Sanctuary.

Ya wanna know one of my guilty pleasures?

Baths.

They are not environmentally friendly...but I could give two shits.

Just laying enclosed within porcelain walls, naked body engulfed in warm water, in the calm and privacy of the bathroom. Mellow music playing quiet enough that it relaxes me, but loud enough that I can hear it when my ears are submerged.

I can think about everything in a bathtub, or if I so choose, I don't have to think about anything.

As silly as it sounds, to me it's safety and sanctuary.

Baths are therapeutic.

Actually, now that Im thinking about it, really any body of water seems therapeutic to me. This weekend I was at Detroit Lake, and just staring out at something so serene and natural and smooth is comforting to me. Laying on my back in a cold swimming pool and letting the density of the chlorine infested water keep me afloat is so calming to me. But even swimming in the ocean with giant waves crashing over my head is somehow comforting as well. I have a connection with water. It's a part of me; we flow together. I feel all humans are meant to have some sort of connection with the water. I mean, it does cover a shit load of this earth. It's all around us. It's what's keeping us alive. Some people are just hesitant to the currents it provides, or maybe it's mystic depths. If you haven't, I encourage you to just let it take you, the water. Be one with it, move along with it's ripples and waves. If you let it, it can make you feel light and free and almost superhuman.

You're making me a cynic.

I dont like it when people aren't appreciated.

Im not gonna preach or anything...

but...

Good people shouldn't be taken for granted.

Or taken advantage of.

Or stepped on.

You unknowingly leave your mark,

Like a rug with an L-shaped imprint due to the leg of the coffee table always pressing down.

It's easier than you think

To just show someone you care.

Or to take a second to return the favor.

Possibly take a step back

And realize that someone is arbitrarily taking time and thought to make your life better.

I don't understand you all.

Not one bit.

Maybe that makes me a hypocrite.

Whatever.

Just stop thinking you're entitled.

Stop walking in one direction, expecting everyone to follow.

If you keep acting this way,

Before long, you'll be walking alone.

And Im gonna have a really hard time feeling sorry for you.

jhnmyr.tumblr.com.

Woooaaahhhkay.

So one of my good ol' friends from back home in the VTA introduced me to John Mayer's tumblr.

jhnmyr.tumblr.com

Even if he does come off as kind of an arrogant asshole on TV or on the radio, he really does have some pretty awesome things to say...like this:

"Is your boyfriend cute? Was Hurt Locker the best movie of the year? Are you going to go out in those shoes? Should you take the promotion and move to Boston? Did I wear “Hammer” pants on stage in Houston or is Rick Owens a visionary clothing designer?

It all depends on who you ask.

Which is a pretty great reason to stop asking all together. Nobody’s life template will ever lay evenly over yours. And in those times when they clash completely, you have to walk alone, with confidence that you’re creating your own template, made out of your own instincts and your own dreams and your own goals. And if you do it long enough, maybe someone someday will look to yours as the life to model theirs after. Of course, some people won’t agree with them. It will all depend on who they ask.

JM."

Friedrich Nietzsche.

Friedrich Nietzsche, a ruthless nonconformist, had an act for obliterating all the feel-good ideas that people had for themselves. And even though some of these...most of these, are quite cynical and pessimistic, which is normally not my way of thinking about life. However, I think that I agree with a lot of them. If you think about then, they kind of do make a lot of sense.

1. People who have given us their complete confidence believe that they have a right to ours. The inference is false, a gift confers no rights.

2. He that humbleth himself wishes to be exalted.

3. The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.

4. There are no facts, only interpretations.

5. Morality is but the herd-instinct in the individual.

6. No one talks more passionately about his rights than he who in the depths of his soul doubts whether he has any.

7. Without music, life would be a mistake.

8. Anyone who has declared someone else to be an idiot, a bad apple, is annoyed when it turns out in the end that he isn’t.

9. In large states public education will always be mediocre, for the same reason that in large kitchens the cooking is usually bad.

10. The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends.

11. A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.

12. We often refuse to accept an idea merely because the way in which it has been expressed is unsympathetic to us.

13. No victor believes in chance.

14. Convictions are more dangerous foes of truth than lies.

15. Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.

16. It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.

17. The essence of all beautiful art, all great art, is gratitude.

18. The future influences the present just as much as the past.

19. The most common lie is that which one tells himself; lying to others is relatively an exception.

20. I counsel you, my friends: Distrust all in whom the impulse to punish is powerful.

21. Rejoicing in our joy, not suffering over our suffering, is what makes someone a friend.

22. God is a thought who makes crooked all that is straight.

23. Success has always been a great liar.

24. Nothing on earth consumes a man more quickly than the passion of resentment.

25. What do you regard as most humane? To spare someone shame.

26. Whatever is done for love always occurs beyond good and evil.

27. When a hundred men stand together, each of them loses his mind and gets another one.

28. When one has a great deal to put into it a day has a hundred pockets.

29. Whoever despises himself nonetheless respects himself as one who despises.

30. All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth.

31. What is good? All that heightens the feeling of power, the will to power, power itself. What is bad? All that is born of weakness. What is happiness? The feeling that power is growing, that resistance is overcome.

32. Fear is the mother of morality.

33. A politician divides mankind into two classes: tools and enemies.

34. Everyone who has ever built anywhere a new heaven first found the power thereto in his own hell.

35. There is more wisdom in your body than in your deepest philosophy.

36. The mother of excess is not joy but joylessness.

37. The Kingdom of Heaven is a condition of the heart — not something that comes upon the earth or after death.

38. What is the mark of liberation? No longer being ashamed in front of oneself.

39. Glance into the world just as though time were gone: and everything crooked will become straight to you.

40. We should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once.

Speakin' the truth.

I say what I want to say. I am blunt. And I don't mean to offend people, and I don't mean to sounds absurd to anyone. It's just what I do. Like if I wanna talk about something provocative, Im gonna do it. I really have no shame. And most of the time I find that the people Im talking to are more than willing to join in on the convo.

Lessons learned in life: People love talking about sex.

ANYWHOOOO...

I believe people should be open and honest. Why lie?

I mean, the truth shouldn't be seen as such a goddamn scary thing. Sometimes it's not exactly what you wanna hear, and sometimes the truth lets you down a shit load...but I would take a million bad truths over a lie. Otherwise, you're kind of just living one big lie in speaking and believing in it.

Plus, it skips over a lot of unnecessary drama when you just say what's true.

Freedom: Summer 2010.

Back in Portland. And it truly is so good to be back. Simply put, I am happy here.

And it's summer. Which is just goodness in itself. And people are correct when they say that Portland summers are fantastic.

There is just love all around.

And the sun shines bright until almost 9 PM.

I went on my first run through my new neighborhood today after work. And let me tell you, Multnomah Village sure does have some hills. Geez.

But it's good. It's great. Everything. It's everything I want. Everything I need.

Even though my apartment has zero furniture and I'll be sleeping on the floor for the next two weeks and I'm riding a bicycle that's about to fall apart at any second and I'm working over 40 hours a week and I'm flat broke and I need a haircut (talk about a run-on), I feel that I honestly am at my best here. On my own, struggling to get by. There's something liberating about it.

Ya know what it is? I feel free, and right. All over, everywhere and everything.

Back home?

Im flying back today to Portland, Oregon from LAX (ughhh, hate LAX. Everyone at every other airport is so much nicer.)

I keep saying that I'm flying home. And in my eyes I am. Portland is my home now. Which is weird. Ventura used to be such a home, and then so quickly it grew to this place that once was. Now it's just "where I grew up" and "where I went to high school."

This whole experience of me visiting Ventura has been so great, but also so strange. I've realized a lot of things now that I never had before. Strangely enough, I have gained a certain confidence. A confidence that I will be able to make it on my own. And a confidence of where I belong.

But for now, later Ventura, I'll see ya in the winter time.