Where to even begin...

Change. So much has changed.

I am so much more in love with my surroundings than I feel I've been in a long time.

Friends. Family. Work. City. Life.

I'm sorry I've been away. Things got out of hand. And I forgot all about this.
I'm trying different things. Things that I don't feel confident about, which make them kind of scary.

I'm not stuck. I don't ever have to be anything if I don't want it to be so.
We don't give ourselves enough credit sometimes.

There are good days and there are bad days.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

Al-fucking-right.

I want everything to be alright. I want things to get better. I want real. Truth.

I want to know. Because not knowing seems to be a constant answer to everything these days.

Mostly, I want the people I'm surrounded by to be alright. Because so few of them are right now. And what's the point in being alright if you aint got nobody to be alright with?

I overused the word alright. And now I don't like it. I want to be MORE than just ALRIGHT.
Alright is settling.
EFF.

Sometimes it feels like the heart is no place to be singin' from at all.

"All at once, the world can overwhelm me

There's almost nothing that you could tell me

That would ease my mind.

Which way will you run

When it's always all around you

And the feeling's lost and found you again.

A feeling that we have no control."

-Jack Johnson.

Faults in my foundation.

Figuring everything out is easier said than done. And I've probably made more than enough mistakes for someone my age. But in some weird way, I kind of like that I have made so many. And I'm becoming aware of all my faults. That's just how it goes, I suppose.

I'm sort of passive to the whole mistake-making idea. Regret is sort of a waste of time and energy, ya know?

Like I deserved it.

"Budding at my finger tips,

Touching you I start to bloom."

Contrast.

I just love this crazy, disastrous, topsy-turvy life that I'm leading. I wouldn't trade any of it for anything.

I asked my good friend the other day why there is always some constant struggle that we're all dealing with. Why it seems that no day can pass without us feeling some sort of sadness, anger, remorse, angst, or other negative feelings.

And she responded by saying that if we didn't have all that, then we wouldn't know what happiness would be because we'd have nothing to contrast it to.

She is so wise. And that seems like such a simple statement; I should have known all along.

Morning after. Part 2.

Favorite person to spend morning afters with. Everything is just so goddamn funny.

Morning after.

Nothing beats a morning after with best friends.
Nothing.
Still drunk.
Battered and bruised.
Everything is hilarious.
Going into work.
Taking naps in the office.

BLISS.

This one time, I decided to make a bad decision.

I have a feeling that this weekend is going to be equally as fun as it will be miserable.

Halloween shenanigans + working in a hot, humid, boring pool all day, everyday.

Can't wait.

Fading.

Things fade out so fast.

Something is so exciting, and it gets your blood pumping, and you have all these ideas and plans.

And as time goes on, it slowly fades. And you think about it less and less. And then it's gone.

A week later, something else comes up that gets your adrenaline flowing. And the cycle starts again.

Im sick of saying I'll do something, then never getting around to it. I want something to hold my attention for longer than a week. Longer than a month. Longer than a year. I want to be passionate and thrive off of an idea or a plan.

Then again, I am so against making plans anyways. Maybe the reason why they never work out is because I never follow through in the first place.

Outbreak.

Sometimes I feel stuck right where I am. Stuck in routine.

And because I feel that way, it makes me want to do something rash.

Like move to Berkeley to be with my best friend.

Anyone is lucky to have someone in their life that understands them completely. It's mind boggling to know that I do. And when you have something like that, it sort of makes you wonder why you're away from them so much. What's the point? Because you're happiest when you're both together.

Who needs men when your best friend is your soulmate?

Thunder and lightning and hail, oh my!

Ventura, California welcomed me home with lots of rain and thunder, lightning, and hail storms.

Normally I would be angry, however, thunder and lightning don't come around so often in Portland or in Ventura, so it's kind of been awesome.

I love storms. I love the chaos they bring; knocking things over and flooding streets. People in awe but at the same time fearful. I think it's important that mother nature brings on these storms. To remind everyone that she's not just majestic trees and serene butterflies. She can be a crazy bitch, ya know?

Anyways, as much as I love this weather, it's sort of making me anxious because I can't go run on my favorite run at the beach. I mean, I could, but it would be miserable.

So instead, Im going to lay on my mother's couch and watch movies and drink hot chocolate and wait for someone to call. Not a bad replacement to a run.

Where did the good go?

Everything has changed. But I still feel the same.

I've been thinking. And I feel like everyone has to really get down and depressed about life every once in a while. And I think it's normal and it's healthy.

However, it is not healthy at all to stay in that state for more than a few days.

I feel like so many good things happen to us every single day. And because we're so focused on the bad, the good gets neglected.

And not even good things like winning the lottery or something like that.

But good things like you made every green light on the way to work. Or you witnessed a beautiful sunset. Or someone made cookies and gave you one to try.

It doesn't take a lot for something to be good. But unfortunately, it seems to be taking us more and more effort to notice when something is.

Where is my mind?

All of a sudden, I've attained some sort of clarity.

Something that I was expecting to make me feel hurt and let down, ended up making me feel the exact opposite; relieved and wonderful.

And after all was said and done, I ended up learning a lot about myself. Even though the event was rather insignificant.

I just never know what to expect. From others or from myself. I have no control over my thoughts anymore or the way I perceive things. It just happens. Before I even realize what's going on.

Not a whole lot makes sense these days, but I guess Im ok with that.

I think I'm in the process of searching for something that I lost. I'm not whole right now. But I'm not completely fallen apart either. I'm floating.

Mal-Mal-Malfunct-unct-unctioning-ing-ing.

Spanish overload.

Work overload.

Teaching swim lessons overload.

Coffee...underload.

Below 70 degree weather overload.

MALFUNCTIONING.

Selfish Conspiracy Against the Sun.

I'll creep up in the late afternoon

Surreptitiously through sand dunes

So you'll be shaken

When I reach high and grab you.

Timing is critical.

It's crucial that I pick the perfect day,

When you're at your best.

I prefer you most that way.

I'll wear camouflage.

I'll swerve quick through the trees,

Blending in with the people,

I'll know you'll be by the sea.

That's right where I want you

Where I feel we both belong,

Where our colors show best

And our hearts are singing their greatest song.

I'm sorry to betray you

Since you've done me no harm,

Except for the redness

You've left a time or two upon my arm.

But I've just got to have you

Your powers make me strong.

If only I could have just a piece of you

To put inside my jar to bring along.

Humph.

I'm running away. And I don't really care if it's childish or not.

SoCal or bust.

I really just need the ocean. And my mommy.

The I-think-too-much-about-things-sometimes syndrome.

I do this thing every once in a while where I somehow cause my brain to get all tangled up in my thoughts. And then my thoughts get all tangled up in my throat and move down into my chest then hastily out to all four of my limbs. And before I know it, my entire being is twisted up in the chaos of all these feelings I'm having. And I feel like such a girl. Being all complicated and shit.

And then I remember that nothing is really as complicated as so many of us make it out to be.

Or maybe I'm just being in denial of how complicated things actually are.

I don't know.

Either way, it works, at least for a little while.

And my body and my mind are freed from my tangled mess of emotions.

And sometimes I eat chocolate. And although it's not quite as effective or long lasting, it helps too.