False aspirations.

I wish I could rap. Or maybe just beatbox.

Somebody train me in that art. I want to be a young grasshopper, that will one day grow to be a great gangsta artist.

Maybe I could make my own style. Like nerd-hip hop. Weird Al may have already patented that. Damn.

This is silly. I don't really mean it. Just a spur of the moment thought that I decided to blog about, because I am bored and waiting on this early Tuesday evening.

Damn.

Reading machining and tectonic plates.

God, could Jack Kerouac be any more of an english genius?! This book, Desolation Angels, is wisdom in fiction form. Im obsessed. Can't get enough. I mean, listen to this:

"Music blends with the heartbeat universe and we forget the brain beat."

AND THEN:

"God how old we get and some of us go mad and everything changes viciously- its that vicious change that hurts, as soon as something is cool and complete it fall apart and burns-"

And believe me, it doesn't stop there. I could bore you with a million other quotes I jotted down on scrap pieces of paper. If you take any of my advice ever, read this book.

Registered for some classes today. So happy to be going back to school...even if it is just part time. Part time is better than no time. And one of my classes is on the geology of earthquakes, which I am thinking is going to be extremely fascinating. I feel that earthquakes are quite relevant to this world all the time. And ever since I was a young lass, tectonic plates have captivated me.

I know, I know...nerd.

Also, going to go see Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros on Thursday. I might possibly explode from happiness. I want to be them.

Different levels.

Brand new respect for bubble bears and beta fish.

My admiration for Jimi Hendrix has been rejuvenated, and I feel I will never see a sky the same way.

I have a new fascination for plumbing supply stores as well as top floors of hospital parking garages.

Connections made, ties broken.

This might make no sense to you. Just go with it.

Morning clarity.

I have been opening at work twice a week and due to my lack of transportation, I have been walking at 5:15 in the morning to get there. At first I was dreading this, but there's something about it that I really enjoy. Walking that early in the dark of the morning, where barely any cars are on the road and I am free to jaywalk. There is silence in this early hour and because my day has barely started, my brain is just beginning to function, and there is a certain clarity that comes to me. Lately there has been a cool wind lapping at my face as I walk, balancing out the heat my body generates from my legs moving so briskly. I wish I could wake up that early every morning and not be tired throughout my day. But at this time in my life, there are far too many late nights of fun to have the strength to awaken myself that early everyday.

The Void.

"My life is a vast and insane legend reaching everywhere without beginning or ending..." Desolation Angels, Jack Kerouac.

Seriously, cant get enough of him this summer. Such a unique style, and the things he has to say...

Summer is winding down, and even though that's such a bummer, there's something about these days that I really love. Things seem more calm and settled. But not so settled that these days are still. There's just enough chaos around to vibrate things a bit. I like this air.

Middle Aged?

Got off work. Made some tea. Ate a cookie. Put on my PJ's. Reading some Jack Kerouac. Falling asleep while the sun is still out.

I kind of feel like Im 45 years old.

But honestly, I couldn't ask for anything better right about now.

Just this stillness. In my bed, with my tea and my book, under the warmth and protection of my multicolored quilt.

Oozing brain.

Once upon a time,
I lifeguarded a mostly empty pool for nine hours one day, then seven hours the next two days.
And then I lost my mind.
The end.

Patience.

I would call myself a patient person. I don't get easily irritated when I've gotta wait on someone or something. Usually there isn't much you can do about it, so why get annoyed? But when something is just taking so long, longer than you expected. It's hard to be so patient and understanding. And then I do get irritated and annoyed. Even though there still isn't anything I can do about it.

It's a vicious cycle.

One of the kind, kind people that I rode back from Berkeley with burned me some music off her computer on the drive. On it she included the whole Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros album. Saw them at Outside Lands. Seriously, just the best. So obsessed with them right now. Every song. They're coming to Portland September 2nd and 3rd. And Im going, even if I have to go by myself. They're that good. Go listen.

Incredible.

Words cannot explain how incredible the past few days of my life have been. Just sequences of events with the right people at the right times in the perfect moments.

Went to Berk to see Iz.

Coincidentally got to see soooo much of my family at my uncle's gorgeous home in Santa Rosa. Listen to them jam all day and night, climb through meadows and up hillsides to look over the Santa Rosa mountains with my best friend.

Outside Lands. So many amazing bands. Seriously blew my mind. Just chaos, energy, musical, goodness.

Not to mention, I bonded with three strangers on the rides to Berkeley and back.

Just so much laughter, music, friends, photos, food, family, love. Amazing.

Bezerkeley.

I am here in Berkeley, California visiting one of my best friends.
I am staying in this giant house where the walls are completely covered with imaginative, colorful, bright, crazy murals.
People walking around naked and fire dancing in the back yard is a common happening here.
There are just people everywhere, the sun is out, music is playing, alcohol is ingested, and the smell of marijuana is seeped into the walls.

This life is one that I would be down for.

A cabin in the woods.

I wish I could just take all my money and things and give it away. And retreat into the woods. And live. Away from everything.

And yeah, maybe I would be in denial of this whole crazy world and my responsibilities and the people and places I left behind. And maybe I would get lonely.

But sometimes, this world is just too overwhelming. And instead of being brave and facing it. I just want to run away.

I'm pouting. I realize this.

Influence.

Someone can have so much more power and influence than they were ever conscious of.

Our words and actions can sway an opinion or open a mind.

Behaviors and expressions may possibly have the potential to control those around us.

We should be aware of this. Of the influence that we may have on those we are surrounded by.

Because these changes that we make in others may not be for the best.

We should make a conscious effort to make sure that they are.

Constant change.

I quit smoking.

I play racquetball at least twice a week.

Im riding to San Francisco with three strangers, then back to Portland with three more.

I use disposable cameras.

I blast country music while I take showers.

I know how to make potatoes in about ten different ways.

I plan trips across the world for myself.

I am in denial about how disgustingly messy my bedroom is.

I read like a mad woman.

Looking at myself now, and looking at myself ten months ago, I realize that I am constantly changing. My motives, my actions, my thoughts. Adding new things to my life, getting rid of the old. Endlessly in motion.

So, we're livin' life like a video.

Impulsive drives to Bend, OR for weekend get aways.

Hiking, and then more hiking.

Hitch hiking [through the internet] to San Francisco.

Not showering for three plus days.

Possessing five food items in the fridge to last you the week.

Drunken piggy back rides.

Heart to hearts.

People coming and going and staying and leaving.

Anticipation for Outside Lands Music Festival.

Anticipation to see best friends.

Anticipation for this last month of summer.

I forever want to be young.

At least in spirit.

Ishmael.

I finished One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest...finally. Awesome. One of the themes in the book seemed to be the power of laughter. Which I really loved a lot. Here are some quotes I pulled:

"Man, when you lose your laugh, you lose your footing."

"Because he knows that you have to laugh at the things that hurt you just to keep yourself in balance, just to keep the world from running you plumb crazy."

I would place this book in my top fifteen favorites.

My new read is Ishmael, by Daniel Quinn. It was recommended to me by a coworker, he told me it changed his perspective about a lot of things. I like it when books make you do that. Im only about forty pages in, but so far it's really making me think. It mentioned the phrase "post hoc, ergo propter hoc" Which is Latin for "after this, therefore because of this." Which makes sense when you think about it. How events in our lives are all sort of connected, and a current situation that we're in may not be happening if it was not for the prior event. Does that make sense?

Goodbyes.

It's funny how you can know someone for only less than a year, yet feel like you've known them your whole life. How someone can make you feel so comfortable around them so fast, and allow you to open up more than you ever have to any one else, without making you feel vulnerable. Someone you are always on the same page with. Who will love you unconditionally. Who will drop everything for you.

Those people don't come around often. Barely ever, if you're lucky.

So when they have to leave, change surroundings, head off for bigger and better things, you want to be happy for them because you know it's what's best. And you try and try to find it in your heart to not break down while you're hugging them goodbye at the airport security, and you can manage to keep it together on the car ride home. But once you walk into your home, empty and dark from the overcast day, you begin to realize that this person, that was just twenty minutes ago crying in your arms wont be there again till Thanksgiving.

And then you begin to cry.

And you know, I really really just hate goodbyes.

Keep perspective.

Often times Im scared to admit that I don't like growing up.

And I don't like paying bills and having a job.

All I want is to go to school and have friends and family.

Those three things make me happiest.

And music. And the ocean. And coffee and iced tea and snuggling.

So maybe like six things?

Is that really so much to ask?

I suppose it is. When you're someone living somewhere where water isn't accessible. And you wonder if you're going to be able to eat that day. And you're curious if anyone cares. I have been forced to grow up at the age of nineteen. But what about those forced to grow up at the age of seven...or eight, or nine? That's more than a decade younger. It may be hard sometimes...but things could always be harder. And certain aspects of my life that come easy to me may be the main worries to someone else. Have perspective. Keep perspective.