Morning after. Part 2.

Favorite person to spend morning afters with. Everything is just so goddamn funny.

Morning after.

Nothing beats a morning after with best friends.
Nothing.
Still drunk.
Battered and bruised.
Everything is hilarious.
Going into work.
Taking naps in the office.

BLISS.

This one time, I decided to make a bad decision.

I have a feeling that this weekend is going to be equally as fun as it will be miserable.

Halloween shenanigans + working in a hot, humid, boring pool all day, everyday.

Can't wait.

Fading.

Things fade out so fast.

Something is so exciting, and it gets your blood pumping, and you have all these ideas and plans.

And as time goes on, it slowly fades. And you think about it less and less. And then it's gone.

A week later, something else comes up that gets your adrenaline flowing. And the cycle starts again.

Im sick of saying I'll do something, then never getting around to it. I want something to hold my attention for longer than a week. Longer than a month. Longer than a year. I want to be passionate and thrive off of an idea or a plan.

Then again, I am so against making plans anyways. Maybe the reason why they never work out is because I never follow through in the first place.

Outbreak.

Sometimes I feel stuck right where I am. Stuck in routine.

And because I feel that way, it makes me want to do something rash.

Like move to Berkeley to be with my best friend.

Anyone is lucky to have someone in their life that understands them completely. It's mind boggling to know that I do. And when you have something like that, it sort of makes you wonder why you're away from them so much. What's the point? Because you're happiest when you're both together.

Who needs men when your best friend is your soulmate?

Thunder and lightning and hail, oh my!

Ventura, California welcomed me home with lots of rain and thunder, lightning, and hail storms.

Normally I would be angry, however, thunder and lightning don't come around so often in Portland or in Ventura, so it's kind of been awesome.

I love storms. I love the chaos they bring; knocking things over and flooding streets. People in awe but at the same time fearful. I think it's important that mother nature brings on these storms. To remind everyone that she's not just majestic trees and serene butterflies. She can be a crazy bitch, ya know?

Anyways, as much as I love this weather, it's sort of making me anxious because I can't go run on my favorite run at the beach. I mean, I could, but it would be miserable.

So instead, Im going to lay on my mother's couch and watch movies and drink hot chocolate and wait for someone to call. Not a bad replacement to a run.

Where did the good go?

Everything has changed. But I still feel the same.

I've been thinking. And I feel like everyone has to really get down and depressed about life every once in a while. And I think it's normal and it's healthy.

However, it is not healthy at all to stay in that state for more than a few days.

I feel like so many good things happen to us every single day. And because we're so focused on the bad, the good gets neglected.

And not even good things like winning the lottery or something like that.

But good things like you made every green light on the way to work. Or you witnessed a beautiful sunset. Or someone made cookies and gave you one to try.

It doesn't take a lot for something to be good. But unfortunately, it seems to be taking us more and more effort to notice when something is.

Where is my mind?

All of a sudden, I've attained some sort of clarity.

Something that I was expecting to make me feel hurt and let down, ended up making me feel the exact opposite; relieved and wonderful.

And after all was said and done, I ended up learning a lot about myself. Even though the event was rather insignificant.

I just never know what to expect. From others or from myself. I have no control over my thoughts anymore or the way I perceive things. It just happens. Before I even realize what's going on.

Not a whole lot makes sense these days, but I guess Im ok with that.

I think I'm in the process of searching for something that I lost. I'm not whole right now. But I'm not completely fallen apart either. I'm floating.

Mal-Mal-Malfunct-unct-unctioning-ing-ing.

Spanish overload.

Work overload.

Teaching swim lessons overload.

Coffee...underload.

Below 70 degree weather overload.

MALFUNCTIONING.

Selfish Conspiracy Against the Sun.

I'll creep up in the late afternoon

Surreptitiously through sand dunes

So you'll be shaken

When I reach high and grab you.

Timing is critical.

It's crucial that I pick the perfect day,

When you're at your best.

I prefer you most that way.

I'll wear camouflage.

I'll swerve quick through the trees,

Blending in with the people,

I'll know you'll be by the sea.

That's right where I want you

Where I feel we both belong,

Where our colors show best

And our hearts are singing their greatest song.

I'm sorry to betray you

Since you've done me no harm,

Except for the redness

You've left a time or two upon my arm.

But I've just got to have you

Your powers make me strong.

If only I could have just a piece of you

To put inside my jar to bring along.

Humph.

I'm running away. And I don't really care if it's childish or not.

SoCal or bust.

I really just need the ocean. And my mommy.

The I-think-too-much-about-things-sometimes syndrome.

I do this thing every once in a while where I somehow cause my brain to get all tangled up in my thoughts. And then my thoughts get all tangled up in my throat and move down into my chest then hastily out to all four of my limbs. And before I know it, my entire being is twisted up in the chaos of all these feelings I'm having. And I feel like such a girl. Being all complicated and shit.

And then I remember that nothing is really as complicated as so many of us make it out to be.

Or maybe I'm just being in denial of how complicated things actually are.

I don't know.

Either way, it works, at least for a little while.

And my body and my mind are freed from my tangled mess of emotions.

And sometimes I eat chocolate. And although it's not quite as effective or long lasting, it helps too.

One of these days.

You know those days that come around, where by the end of it you're just so satisfied? And you fall into bed with a smile on your face because you had such an enjoyable, fantastic day. And everything about that time was almost perfect.

Yeah well, it's been a while.

Eye in the sky.

"3rd Planet" by Modest Mouse.

"Well, a third had just been made and we were swimming in the water
Didn't know then, was it a son, was it a daughter
When it occurred to me that the animals are swimming
Around in the water in the oceans in our bodies
And another had been found, another ocean on the planet
Given that our blood is just like the Atlantic"

Such weird lyrics. Love it. On repeat.

If I find my own way, how much will I find?

I love both these versions.

Yuck.

You know pea soup, how it is just a bowl of green mush.
I feel like that's what my brain is right now.
Pea soup mush.
Yum.